


Let the sun shine bright

by abisexualdisaster



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Also Evan and Zoe have the purest friendship, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Eventual Smut, Fake Dating, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Its wonderful, Jared Gets a Backstory, Kleinsen, Kleinsen - relationship - Freeform, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Wholesome Friendship, Zoe is a cinnamon roll, Zolana's in this but it's not the point of it so I won't tag it, also i have no idea where this fic will go, also smut, au where jared has an abusive parent, heathers the musical references, i think, jared centric, jared comes out, jareds mom is dead, or atl i guess its an au since i tweak stuff a little to fit the story, so just roll with it, so tw abuse, this has def turned into an au now, this is quite angsty my god, this wont be as slow burn as i thought
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-02-22 03:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13157907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abisexualdisaster/pseuds/abisexualdisaster
Summary: Evan is clueless and Jared is a gay disaster aka fake dating is never/always a good idea





	1. Where it all began

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is my first pic so please be kind I've never done anything like this before! But also if you have any suggestions or notes or wanna be a beta then let me know! I live for feedback.
> 
> EDIT FROM FUTURE ME: The first chapter's really bad but I promise it gets better later

 

             _What in the world..._ Evan thought to himself as he woke up to some strange noises coming out of the kitchen. It sounded as if someone took all the pans and pots they had and slammed them on the floor. This would not be troubling, as Evan’s mom Heidi was a terrible cook and any attempt at cooking would usually end up being a disaster, but, as far as Evan was concerned, he was supposed to be home alone.

  
            He pulled the covers over his head, too petrified to move. _What if there’s a burglar in the house? What if he’s waiting for the slightest noise so that he can come up and kill me? What if he already knows I’m here and is just playing a sick game to make me crap my pants- oh crap, I'm not wearing any pants!! I can't die half-naked!_

As Evan began spiraling and hyperventilating, a faint sound of footsteps interrupted his trail of thought.

            _Yup, this is it, this is definitely it, I’m absolutely going to die. Maybe I could hide in the closet and stay there until death comes.. but that wouldn’t be very practical would it, because the burglar could just open the door easily and find me and end my life anyway but I-_

            As the mystery man opened the door, Evan let out an involuntary squeal. He started shaking uncontrollably, and sobs escaped his mouth even though he tried to contain them. He realized this was not the greatest survival strategy, but he couldn’t help himself

           „What the fuck are you doing, Evan?“

           As soon as Evan realized who the „burglar“ was, he pulled the covers down and started shouting at the intruder.

           „WHAT AM I DOING?? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, JARED? Y-YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH, Y-YOU CAN’T JUST BARGE IN HERE AND D-„

           „Yeah, okay, I get it dude, I scared you. Listen, I wanted to make myself some cereal but I can’t find anything in your kitchen. Come down and help me, would ya? I’m starving. “ Jared proposed, as if showing up at Evan's house at 8 in the morning was a normal thing to do.

           They did use to visit each other without annoucing it all the time, but that was when they were kids. They weren't nearly as close anymore, and Jared hadn't showed up unannounced in a really long time. Especially not so soon in the morning. Jared usually slept till noon, since he always stayed up until early morning to watch anime or play video games. This whole situation was incredibly confusing to Evan.

            "Oh and by the way, I can see your junk. Well, at least now I know what to get you for Christmas - pajamas, because clearly, you don't own any." Jared said with a smirk on his face, turned around and went back downstairs. 

            Evan snappped and quickly covered himself, but Jared was gone. His cheeks red, he couldn’t believe what just happened. He didn't know whether he was more angry or embarrassed. Who does that? What was Jared _doing_ here?

            As furious and humiliated as Evan was, he knew that if he wanted answers, he had to go downstairs and face the intruder. So, with a loud groan, he got out of bed, put on the first pants he could find, and stumbled into the kitchen. 

           As Evan entered the kitchen, he felt even more furious than before. All the pots from the cupboard were on the ground, the fridge door was swung open and Jared was pulling things out without a care. The kitchen looked like a huge mess. Evan failed to understand how a person could be so messy while looking for a few ingredients.

           "w-WHAT ARE YOU DOING JARED" Evan said as he started picking up the equipment scattered on the floor.

           No response.

           "Jared!" Evan screamed his name, which seemed to have gotten the boy's attention.

           "So...you’re here…in my house…why?”

           “Will you just tell me where you keep the cereal? I’ve searched every single cabinet and yet it’s nowhere to be found. Don’t tell me you don’t have cereal, Hansen!”

           Evan sighed deeply as he tried to maintain his cool. “W-would you please just tell me what you’re doing here? Seriously, you scared the crap out of me.“

           Jared laughed at the thought, “Ah yes, I'm gonna need you to be my fake boyfriend for a few hours tonight. Sound good? Great, thanks! I'll pick you up at 8." 

           Evan's heart stopped. Not only did he almost get a heart attack because he thought a burglar was in his house and was then completely humiliated by Jared seeing his private area, the guy is now telling him to be his fake boyfriend? This was all too much to handle. It was too early, and Evan hadn't had a chance to wake up properly yet, and so much has happened already, and Evan started to feel the familiar feeling of panic creeping into every cell in his body, and oh god how could he possibly handle all of this, ho- 

            "EARTH TO EVAN! EARTH TO EVAN!" as Evan stopped spiraling and his eyes started to see the world in front of him again, he saw Jared waving his hand vigorously in front of his eyes. It took him a while to feel real again, to get back into his body and his breath to return to normal.

           "Jesus man, I hope you're not gonna freak out like that tonight. That would be real hard to explain."

            "I-I'm not going anywhere wih you, Jared! You can't just barge into people's houses while they're asleep, make their home a complete mess and then demand to be their fake boyfriend! You just don't do that okay!" Evan shouted, clearly upset.

            Jared took a few steps back and looked at Evan with an apologetic gaze. "Look, I'm sorry Ev, okay? I just reaaally need you to do this for me tonight. There's this group of guys that I met earlier this week and they're all gay and so I lied about my sexuality to fit in-..I know it was a stupid thing to do, but they're all so cool, and, well, I don't really have any friends besides you, which is not a bad thing! But I just wanted them to like me. And so I kinda also told them I have a boyfriend.. and now they want to meet said boyfriend.. and since I don't have one.. you know.. I kinda need you to step in and play the part. I'm sorry to drag you into my lies, but can you do it? Please?" Jared said with puppy eyes.

          Evan didn't know whether it was the softness that suddenly entered Jared's voice, the truly apologetic look in his eyes, or the fact that he called him "Ev" which was his favourite nickname of all time, but, at last, he sighed, "Okay. I-I'll do it. But promise me this is the only time you'll ask me to do something like that and that you'll never barge into my house like that again."

          Jared cleared his throat a few times, turning away from Evan, as if he realised how soft and vulnerable he looked, gave Evan a little pat on the shoulders and mumbled: "Thanks, bro! I'll never forget it. I guess I better get going. Sorry about the mess and I'll pick you up at 8. They want to see a movie so you won't have to talk much, I know you don't,uh... like that. See ya!"

       Evan thought it was weird how Jared left so quickly, since he was so determined to find the cereal and have breakfast just a few minutes ago, but he had a lot of mental preparation to do before the big "date" tonight, and so he decided to let it go.

       He put some frozen waffles into the toaster, poured himself a cup of tea (not coffee because coffee made him anxious) and started to wonder what he would wear for his "date". He had to remind himself that this was all fake. Jared only asked him because Evan was his best friend. There was nothing else involved. Nothing at all.

            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I hope you guys enjoyed that! I'm sorry it was rather short but like I said, this is my first time and I wasn't sure how much to write, where to end it etc. Pleaaase let me know what you thought in the comments below and if you have any suggestions, notes or found any spelling mistakes, make sure to also comment on that! I woud love to continue if you guys like this. Also kudos are great!!  
> Also if you have any questions or something you'd like to say/talk about, I'm on tumblr! @abisexualdisaster  
> 


	2. Anxiety's a bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is an anxious lil bean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!  
> So,  
> Mrs. Simons is Evan's therapist in this fic, in case it wasn't clear.  
> Also, I'm aware not much happens in this chapter, but I really wanted to establish Evan's character in this so I hope I've achieved that.  
> Tw: anxiety, panick attacks, low self esteem, intrusive thoughts, panic, hysteria

~~~~It was a few hours before Jared was supposed to pick him up when it really hit Evan – he’s going on a fake date with his fake boyfriend and he’s about to face some guys he’s never met and talk to them and smile at them and pretend that he’s in love with Jared – damn Jared and his stupid lies that got him into this – and Evan was losing it.

            It  wasn’t so much the fact that he would be a fake boyfriend to Jared – knowing it wasn’t real kept Evan rather calm, as he knew Jared wouldn’t try to kiss him or anything – but the thought of going out, the thought of being among so many strangers, and in the cinema, where it’s dark and strangers sit next to you and sometimes their body touches yours or you have to go around them if you want to get to your seat or people looking at their phones, man did Evan hate that, it was so distracting, he couldn’t focus on anything but the phone screen and even though he tried to watch the movie he couldn’t because all he could think about was that damn computer screen  and p-

            Evan quickly realised he was going to bring himself a panic attack if he didn’t stop spiraling, and so he tried to do what his therapist told him to do.

            “ _Dear Evan Hansen,_

 _Today is going to be a good day, and here_ _’s why_ _:_

 _I_ _’m going out tonight, which is a fairly brave thing for me to do. I know most people have no trouble with such a normal thing, but for me, going out is terrifying. And yet, today, I promised my friend Jared I would go out with him and I’m not gonna back out. Probably.  
I know this is something _ _Mrs. Simons would tell me to be proud of. Pushing my boundaries. I don_ _’t see it that way, but I thought I should write it down anyway. Maybe one day when I get better, I can look back at this and be proud of myself for going out of my comfort zone. We all know I don’t manage to do that often._ _”_

He looked at the words for a while, chewing the end of his pencil while doing so. This was something his mom always told him not to do, but he couldn’t’t help it. He was one of those people to always do something, he couldn’t stand still. Whether it was chewing the end of his pencil, or bouncing his leg up and down, cracking his knuckles, playing with the end of his t shirt.. It didn’t matter, as long as he had something to ground himself, he would be okay.

            He stood up from the table and started pacing around the room. He knew he had to let his mom know he’d be gone when she came home, but he _hated_ making phone calls. He also, however, hated texting. 

            _I need to figure out how to let her know…so I could call her. I mean it’s just mom. But then texting is so much easier.. but I hate texting, I can never figure out the tone and true meaning behind someone’s texts, it only makes me more anxious.. so I’m gonna end up calling her anyway to know if she’s mad at me.. and then she’s gonna get on a rant about how I’m getting worse again.. but I hate calling..God_

            Evan kept pacing around the room, getting increasingly more and more anxious as time went by. As anxious as he was on daily basis, he was even worse under pressure. He could not make a decision for the life of him, and as time went on, he became more and more aware of the fact he would actually be going out with Jared soon.

            So now, Evan had 2 things that were making him unspeakably anxious and panicky and there he was, not being able to stop his trail of thought.

            He was so deep in his thoughts he completely spaced out and forgot about the world around him, so when the phone suddenly rang, his heart started racing even more than it already was. The scare made him jump off the bed and he just stared at the ringing phone for a bit, his palms pressed against the left side of his chest. It felt like his heart would break out of his chest and start dancing around him.

            He finally gathered himself enough to pick up the phone.

“Mom?”

  
“Hey sweetheart! Are you okay? It took you quite a while to answer the phone.” Heidi asked worryingly.

 “Yeah, I’m okay mom, I was just…uh…sleeping.” It was quite clear that Heidi did not believe her son, but she decided to let it go. Evan was a terrible liar, it made him on edge.  
  
“Well alright, I was just calling to check in, but it sounds like everything’s going smoothly.”  
  
Evan took a deep breath before speaking, trying to make sure his voice would sound steady.  
“Actually, mom, I uh- well-

“What is it, Evan? Don’t worry, you can tell me.”

“Well, it’s just that uh...well... Jared invited me to see a movie with a couple of his friends and so uh... can I … go?”  
  
Even though Evan couldn’t see his mom’s face, he could tell she gasped in surprise.  
  
“Well of course! I just- I wouldn’t expect you to say yes to something like that is all. But yes of course you can go! Just be home by 11 and if there’s any… emergency, don’t hesitate to call me okay?”

“Yes of course. Okay…well... thanks mom, I better get going, Jared’s gonna be here any minute...”

Evan cold tell his mom was smiling. “Yes…have a good day too honey. I love you so much! “

Evan put the phone down and sat on his bed. 

  

          _Okay.. so... that wasn’t that bad. I think.. I hope.. oh god I hope my mom doesn’t think we’re going on an actual date, because that really isn’t true, it’s all completely fictional and unreal and made up and-_

            Evan sighed deeply. He was really nervous about tonight, but then again, he was nervous about everything wasn’t he? That’s all the butterflies in his stomach were, just the anxiety. Nothing else at all.

            Whatever they were, they became even more active when Evan looked at the time. It was 7:30 and he hadn’t even started preparing for the evening. Not that he had that much preparation to do, but still. Knowing he only had 30 minutes didn’t help the uneasiness at all.

            And so he tried his best to pick out his nicest blue striped polo shirt, because no, mom, they weren’t all the same, and picked out the khakis he only kept for special occasions. He kept telling himself he’s only putting so much effort in because he’s supposed to be Jared’s boyfriend, and his boyfriend would probably put some effort into his clothes. Not that Evan would _ever_ think about what it would be like to be Jared’s boyfriend, of course not, but for tonight, only for tonight, he had to get into the role.

            He tried to put some hair gel in his hair, sadly, he ended up looking like John Travolta during his Grease days except on crack (so essentially just John Travolta? debatable, Evan thought) and so he just kept it the way it always is – slightly curly and messy. He made a mental note to himself he needed a haircut, even though he was almost certain he would forget about it within the next 10 minutes (fun fact: it only took him about 2).

            By the time 8 rolled around, he was sitting impatiently in the living room downstairs, ready to come out the door the second Jared would pull over.

            His anxiety was building with each minute passing, and when the clock hit 8:10, he thought he would explode. His heart was racing so fast he felt like it would give out any second, the twisting in his stomach so excruciating he had to lie down because sitting was too painful.

            _Of course he won’t come. What was I thinking? This was probably another one of Jared’s cruel jokes, he always makes those and always thinks they’re hilarious but in fact they’re not and my chest always feels so heavy but he just doesn’t understand and I thought I could be brave today and go and do this but it turns out I’m a failure even Jared won’t go out with me to prove to the world I’m not completely useless and why did I ever think this was a good idea oh god_

            The panic and disappointment were streaming around in Evan's veins, his mind full of intrusive thoughts, his breathing rushed, his chest heavy. He knew he was overreacting, that even if Jared did leave him be and only played a prank on him, that it wasn't anything to freak out about, but he couldn't help himself. It wasn't as much the fact that he could not be going out with Jared, it was more so the fact he didn't know what was going on. There were like a million different scenarios to explain why Jared was late, and Evan found it unbearable to not know which one was true. 

            Rationally, he knew this was no big deal. He knew that if it was anyone else, they would be upstairs in their room, watching a tv show or doing some other normal people thing. He knew a normal person probably wouldn’t even realize the few minute delay. Knew some other normal people would call or text the person who was late to check in, make sure they’re okay, ask why the person was late. But he wasn't just anyone. 

            All the crying and the panic made him so tired that he almost fell asleep after a while. He could feel himself drifting away but a faint sound of an incoming car made him jump off the couch and a new wave of panic, nay, pure horror washed over him.

            _Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Jared actually came, and I just spent the last 20 minutes crying, and my face is all red and he will surely be able to tell and he will make fun of me again and oh god this is the worst situation in the whole entire world._

             Evan rushed to the downstairs bathroom, trying to gather his thoughts while washing his face with cold water to hopefully remove some of the redness. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door.

            “Evan? You in there? Come on, we gotta go.”

              _So I'm anxious when Jared isn't here, and then when he arrives, I'm still anxious but for a different reason? Not fair!_

             Evan rushed to the front door. “Yeah I’m in here… just… wait a second I gottta…put… my shoes on.”

             Of course, Evan’s shoes had been on his feet since roughly 7:50, but he didn’t want Jared to know that.

             As Evan picked up his bag and stepped in front of the door, he took a final deep breath. “This is it. This is happening. And it’s probably going to kill me.”

             Evan opened the front door to face Jared, grinning from ear to ear.

            “Now what makes you think I didn’t hear that? This door is quite thin, you know.”

             Evan opened his mouth in horror ,trying to come up with an explanation. He failed miserably.

             He felt his face turning red and so he looked down at his shoes, pulling at a loose string of his polo shirt intensly.

             Suddenly, Evan froze in place. Jared put his arms on Evan's shoulders, stroking them gently.  „Hey, look, that’s okay...I know how anxious you get before… well… anything." Jared put his arms down and Evan thought he could see a bit of red entering Jared's cheeks, but the redness was gone within seconds.  

             "Sorry I’m late by the way, the traffic was real bad, which is why we have to move if we want to make the movie. Come on.”

             As embarrassed as Evan was, Jared had a point, and so he stepped into his friend’s car and prepared for a very painful car ride and an even more painful evening.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos make me super happy! Also comments! Love both of those!  
> Come talk to me on tumblr: @abisexualdisaster  
> Also let me know if I should do Evan's/Jared's POV or keep it neutral like it has been so far.  
> Love you guys!!  
> Next up: The date. I mean.. the "date" *winky face*


	3. The date. I mean.."date"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my god I am holding Jared Kleinman’s hand and it feels incredible and I never want it to stop.“  
> aka Jared tries to hide his gay but fails and Evan is the king of repression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The big date is here!  
> There are some original male characters in this chapter, but they're not gonna be very relevant to the story.  
> Also, this takes place in their senior year of high school where they're both 18 years old. They made up after the bigh fight they had and everything is back to normal.  
> tw: panic/anxiety attacks, anxiety, swearing

            They have been driving for a while, neither of them saying a word. They were usually very comfortable around each other, but Jared has been acting super weird the entire day and Evan had trouble figuring out why.

            He was quite bad at reading people and interpreting their behaviour, but he knew something was going on. As much as he hated confrontation, he’d decided he needed to ask Jared about it. He may not have enough courage to speak up, but he’ll be damned before he dismisses a friend that clearly needs his help.

            Asking Jared what was wrong was easier said than done, however, and so Evan found himself gripping at the sides of the passenger seat he was sitting in, eyes glued to the world passing by. His whole body was tense, his mind blurry, his thoughts running around in his head without him being able to grasp them.

            „Jesus, Evan, if you keep doing that you’ll rip the passenger seat and who will pay for that? My mom sure as hell won’t.“

            „Oh! I-I’m really sorry, please don’t be mad, I did it subconsciously I obviously didn’t mean to destroy your property on purpose-„

            „That’s fine. Just…stop.“

            „I’m sorry, Jared. You know, maybe you should’ve found someone else to be your fake boyfriend because uh well you know I’m not exactly great at, well, socializing and all that jazz..“ 

             It’s going to be fine, Evan, don’t worry, we’ll just have to talk to them for a couple of minutes in the ticket line, and then in the cinema you won’t even know that they’re there. Of course, we’ll probably have to hold hands before the movie starts but-“

            Evan squealed involuntarily. „Ha, I’m sorry, wh-what was that again? We’ll have to do what?“

            Jared kept his eyes glued to the road, even though there were zero cards around. „Yeah well you know, we _are_ supposed to be boyfriends, and boyfriends hold hands, so, you know...Oh come on, don’t let me down, dude! It’ll be fine, I promise I’ll make sure my hands aren’t sweaty.“

            „Oh but mine will absolutely be sweaty...“ Evan mumbled to himself.

            “What was that?” Jared asked curiously.

            “N-Nothing! Just uh… practicing my uh.. lines for when I have to talk to your uh…comrades.”

            “Jesus fuck, Evan, did you just use the word comrades?” Jared asked, rather amused.

            “Sorry! I’m really nervous about this okay! I can’t believe I said yes to your stupid idea.“

            „Well, can’t back out now. Don’t worry, we’ll be there soon.“

            They drove the rest of the way in silence. Even though the tension in the car seemed to fade a little bit after the conversation, Evan could still sense Jared’s nervousness. He wondered whether he wanted to fit in so badly because he was tired of hanging out with Evan all the time. Or perhaps he liked one of the guys they were meeting up with, and wanted to make him feel jealous?

            Not that Evan and Jared ever talked about their sexualities, oh no. Evan had no idea what kind of girls Jared liked, or whether he even liked girls at all, and so he didn’t want to dismiss the idea of Jared having a crush on one of the guys they were meeting with.  

            As a matter of fact, Evan had no idea whether he himself liked girls or not. Sure, he had the biggest crush on Zoe Murphy in high school, so he figured he wasn’t gay, but he never actually stopped to think whether he liked boys, too. All the labels were confusing to him anyway, and so since he didn’t feel the need to put one on himself, he didn’t really think too much about it.

            But today...the thought of being Jared’s boyfriend. An actual boyfriend. With hand holding and kissing and cuddling and making out and sex ohgodtheycouldhavesex... Evan found himself grossed out, because, my god, this was _Jared_ , but the thought of being with a guy in general? He found himself strangely attracted to the idea.

            "You know, it’s quite funny watching you get lost in thought. You always make the weirdest facial expressions depending on what you’re thinking of. I can always tell when your thoughts go to something unpleasant because you always contort your face in disgust.“

            Evan snapped out of his thoughts, horrified. Never has he been so grateful for people’s inability to read thoughts. He hoped Jared wasn’t some sort of special mind reader.

            „Yes, well, y-ou... shouldn’t you be keeping your eyes on the road? Just moments ago your glare would not leave the road ahead of us and now y-you, you what, examine my face in great detail?”

            „Calm your tits, Evan, I saw your grimaces with my peripheral vision. But maybe when we meet up with the guys, I’ll make sure they see how _in love_ with you I am by staring at your face and never looking elsewhere.” Jared teased.

             Evan felt a wave of panic wash over him at the thought of Jared staring at his face the entire evening. He glued his eyes to the road, the same way Jared did earlier, and struggled to find words for a comeback. So, he stayed silent until the car finally pulled into the cinema’s parking lot.

* * *

             As they were getting out of the car, Jared gave Evan a reassuring look. 

             "Look...I know this is really hard for you to do, and as much of an asshole as I can be, I just want you to know I appreciate it. I really do." 

Jared started at the ground while talking, clearly embarrassed at the vulnerability he showed. Knowing Jared felt nervous and insecure, too, made Evan feel a lot better.

            „That’s alright… I uh, I hope it’s worth it.“

            Evan turned around to walk toward the cinema, only to have Jared stop him.

            „Look...we should probably hold hands when we enter the building. You know, so this whole _ridiculous_ thing seems believable.“ Jared said with a small laugh. It was clear that the confident, cocky Jared was gone now, and the kind, nervous Jared that the world didn’t get to see often has emerged to the surface.But if you don’t want to, I understand, we’ll come up with something to tell them.“ 

             Evan’s heart started racing and his head started spinning. It didn’t matter that this was Jared, and that this was all platonic. This was the first time he would get to hold someone’s hand in public. The closest he’s ever gotten to a real relationship. Platonic or not, it was terrifying.

             "T-that's okay... I-I think I can manage." 

             Jared looked at him, unconvinced. "Well, alright.. but let me know if you're uncomfortable, okay dude? And this is the furthest we'll go, I promise." 

            They stood there for a while, looking at the ground, making sure to not look the other in the eye. Neither of them could bring himself to take the other’s hand, and so they just stood there, frozen, the tension and anticipation lingering in the air.

            The thought of them touching made Evan’s hands sweat profusely. He didn’t want to let Jared know that, however, and so he just stood there, examining Jared’s hands. The two boys were close enough for Evan to see all the little lines on Jared’s palm, all the little wrinkles and callouses.

            Evan realised he wanted nothing more than to touch that hand. The hand that looked so soft and comfortable to the touch.

            Evan also realised he was panicking and was seconds away from running out of there.

            But then, Jared took his hand.

            Of course, Jared was the one to intiate contact. Evan couldn’t bring himself to do it, even when it was as platonic as this. And yet, even though Evan was expecting it, it still took him by surprise. A very confusing, intriguing, terrifying but pleasant surprise.

            Sure, they’ve touched before, but not like this. Never like this.

            When their hands touched and their fingers interlocked, it felt like all the anxiety, all the worry and tension had left Evan’s body. Sure, he was _freaking out_ about holding Jared’s hand, but in a... normal kind of way. It felt like a regular person may feel when holding someone else’s hand for the first time.

            No panic attacks. No added anxiety. No racing thoughts. Just the one – IMHOLDINGJAREDSHANDIMHOLDINGJAREDSHANDIMHOLDINGJAREDSHAND

            No „oh my god my hands are so sweaty and he thinks im ridiculous and he hates me and everyone hates me and i should just end this misery because whats the point in living anyway“.

            Just: „Oh my god I am holding Jared Kleinman’s hand and it feels incredible and I never want it to stop.“

* * *

            They walked towards the cinema, hand in hand, the four of their eyes fixed on the road ahead of them. As they were walking, Evan couldn’t help but notice the stares of the people passing by, looking at their intertwined hands.

            Evan’s thoughts started racing. What are all of those people thinking, what if he meets someone he knows, oh god what if people start to talk and think this is real, what if-. He started shaking involuntarily. He couldn’t help the anxiety and panic creeping into his brain, the thought of all those people having opinions and thoughts and saying them out loud was driving him crazy.

            As a response to Evan’s shaking, Jared squeezed his hand a bit. This made Evan freak out even more, but again, in a good way. He looked at Jared and squeezed back.

            They entered the cinema. They were supposed to see the new Star Wars and they clearly weren’t alone. The room was buzzing with people and their conversations. So many of them were here, on the same day, for the same purpose. This fascinated Evan.

“Eric! Colin! Seb!” Jared waved at his friends from across the room.  
“Okay, we’re gonna have to go over there now, is that okay? I’ll do the talking if you want.“ „O-okay. The movie should start soon anyway. I hope.“

            As they approached the trio, Evan felt a grueling knot in his stomach. His heart was racing and he was seconds away from hyperventilating, but, before he could start doing that, they had already reached the three guys.

            „So glad you could make it! Jared, don’t be rude, introduce us to your hot catch.“ Eric said with excitment.

            Jared clenched his jaw and said: „Right. Well, Eric, Colin, Seb this is Evan. Evan, this is Eric, Colin and Seb“

            „It is so nice to meet you!“ „Jared couldn’t stop talking about you last night.” “We heard you two have only been dating for a few weeks. Good for you!“ „Oh man, fresh young love. When did we lose that?“  The three guys kept talking over each other, and Evan was very confused. Are these three people..dating?

            „We got you guys a couple’s seat! Since, sadly, there are no seats for throuples, _yet_ , we’re going to sit in a row in front of you, but you two lovebirds enjoy the joined seat!“ Seb gushed.

            „And for the love of god, we all know what it’s like to be in that first stage of the relationship where you can’t keep your hands off each other, but I am begging you, please remember we are seated right in front of you and would prefer to go home without cum in our hair.“ After hearing those words, Evan couldn’t help but stare at Eric with a horrified expression on his face.

            „N-no you see, we would never do that because obviously you are not supposed to do that i-in a public place a-and we would never get any .... c-c-...semen...on you guys...and...“

            Jared stepped in front of Evan protectively. „What Evan is trying to say is, stop being an asshole Eric. Now let’s go, the movie’s starting.“

            The remark got a harmonized „Oooh“ from all three guys, but they shut their mouths and they all made their way to their seats.

            Once they were seated, Colin turned around, said: „See you guys when the movie ends.“ and winked at Evan.

            They have been sitting down for a good 10 minutes, and Evan has been so preoccupied with the movie (no he wasn’t a geek not at all) that he hadn’t realized Jared was still holding his hand.

            This was strange to Evan, as the three guys Jared wanted to impress had no way of seeing what was going on behind them. Jared kept his eyes glued to the screen, which was also strange to Evan, because Jared wasn’t a huge fan of Star Wars.

            And so they watched the movie. Evan noticed how Jared’s and his thighs were touching, and how they were very close to one another, even though they had a double seat and there was plenty of room for both of them.

            Once the movie ended, they got out of their seats and made their way to the exit. Hand in hand. Still.

            „That was such a shit movie! My god!“ Eric complained.

            „Are you kidding me?? It was amazing! I even shed a tear!“ Seb protested.

            „You always shed a tear.“ Eric and Colin said in unison.

            „I-I actually really liked the movie too...Not that you guys asked but uh- I just- I liked it. It was very enjoyable.“ Evan mumbled.

            „Remind me why we went to see Star Wars again? That’s 2 hours of my life I can’t get back.“ Jared whined, with a smile on his face.

            „Well, it _is_ the best movie that’s on right now. Anyways.. you guys wanna go grab a drink? There’s the bar we went to yesterday or-“ „You know what, Evan has an early class tomorrow so I think we’re just gonna go home, if that’s cool with you guys.”

            „What, Evan can’t speak for himself, huh Jared?“ Colin teased.

            „No, of course he can, it’s just-“ “H-He’s right, you know. I have an early class tomorrow and I, uh, can’t sleep through it. It was really nice meeting you guys though.” Evan was surprised at the steady voice that came out of his mouth. Steadier than usual, at least.

            The boys were disappointed, but they said their goodbyes and went the other direction. Evan and Jared were suddenly alone. Still holding hands.

            “So uh…I guess I’ll drive you home?“ Jared proposed.

            „Yeah. I guess.“ Evan responded, his voice nowhere near as steady as it was a couple seconds ago.

 

            They walked in silence, but the tension between them was next to unbearable. When they finally reached the car, their hands seperated and they both got in.

            Evan’s heart was racing. He wanted an explanation. He _needed_ an explanation. His body was shaking, his hands squeezing his polo shirt. How could he ever ask Jared, though? Did Jared have feelings for him? Did he just not realise they were holding hands the entire time? What does this _mean_?

            Evan’s head was filled with thoughts that were racing at the speed of sound. He started to feel panic over the questions he wanted answered and he became too aware of his breathing. It wasn’t long before he started hyperventilating.

            Jared looked at him with so much worry in his eyes it made Evan freak out even more. „What the fuck, Evan? What’s wrong? Do you need me to stop the car? Should I pull over?“

            Evan could not get a single word out, and so he just nodded. Jared pulled the car to an empty parkling lot and turned his head to face Evan, completely freaked out, shaking, hyperventilating.

            „Evan, please. Talk to me. Everything’s okay. I’m here.”

            Why was everything so different? Why was everything so weird? Why was Jared acting nice? None of this made sense, and it made Evan’s head spin even more. It was all too much to handle.

            “Fuck, Evan… Just tell me what I need to do. Or show me. Please, I’ll do anything.“ 

             Evan put his hand up and motioned Jared to stay. Then, he got out of the car and started pacing around the parking lot. He started breathing in the cold air, which made him feel a lot better. It made him feel real. He was okay. Everything was okay. He wasn’t in danger.

            After a good 10 minutes of staring into nothingness, Jared opened the driver’s door and slowly got out of the car. He made his way to Evan, who was no longer hyperventilating. Jared carefully positioned himself next to Evan, close enough to hear him but far enough to give Evan some space.

            „Are you...are you okay now?“ Jared asked cautiously.

            „I-I think so.“

            „What...what triggered that? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to-„

            „You.“ Evan said without a doubt.

            „What?“

            „You triggered it. This entire evening triggered it. I-I wanted answers so bad and I couldn’t get them and I was too afraid to ask and I just-“ Evan’s breathing started to fasten again.

            „Oh, fuck, Ev ..I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll never put you through anything like that again.“

            „N-no, you don’t understand…I-I-I“

            Evan couldn’t bring himself to say it. It was ridiculous. Even the thought of it made Evan laugh hysterically. He had to know, though. He just had to.

            „W-why did you hold my hand even when the guys couldn’t see us? In the cinema?“

            Jared froze. It was so obvious he never expected Evan to ask.

            „I just... I was worried they’d turn around and see us sitting far from each other, not touching at all, and they would figure out I was lying. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable, I should’ve told you beforehand.“

            Evan sighed deeply. „Oh.“

            „No t-that’s okay.. it wasn’t the uh..touching…that triggered it, it was more so that I had no idea what was going on. When I was certain it was all fake, it made it easier, but then I got confused and I didn’t know whether it was still fake or real to some degree and I couldn’t ask because I just couldn’t and I wanted to know so badly but there was no way for me to find out and it was driving me crazy and-“

            „That’s okay. I understand. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.“

            „Where did you even meet those guys?“

            Jared sighed and took a few breaths before he answered. „At a gay bar.“

            Evan nearly choked on his saliva. „At a _what_? W-w-what were you doing in a...g...gay bar?“

            Jared smiled, amused. „Well, what does one do in a gay bar Evan, hmm, I don’t know, I guess I was looking for chicks or something.“

            Evan frowned. „You’re making me confused again. I- Can you actually tell me? Without your...usual sarcasm?“

            Jared sighed. He took a deep breath. „Look...I’m gay, Evan, okay? Is that what you want to hear, huh? I like boys. Fuck, I love boys, even. I was there because I was looking for some like-minded people.“

            Evan’s mouth opened in surprise. Jared was gay? Jared? He was..he liked.. what???

            “Alright, Evan, I know you have like, your problems, and stuff, but I just came out to you and I kinda need you to speak." 

Evan laughed. A geniune laugh. „I’m sorry. I just…I had no idea. B-but that’s absolutely okay, of course. Thank you for telling me. I-I appreciate it.”

            Jared smiled. A geniune smile. „I’m glad you finally know. And don’t worry, everything that happened today was strictly platonic. I just wanted those guys to like me.“

            „Okay.“ Evan said.

            „So...are we good?“ Jared asked with hope in his voice.

            „We’re good.”

           

            And so they went back in the car. The rest of the drive felt like the old Evan and Jared. Comfortable around each other, laughing at stupid things, listening to bad music, Evan always switching to musicals and Jared switching to whatever pseudo genre he was listening to at the moment.

            It felt like only seconds had passed before they reached Evan’s house. The two boys suddenly quieted down, realizing the evening had come to an end. Neither of them knew what to say.

            Of course, Jared was the one to break the silence. “Thank you for today, Evan. Seriously. And thank you for accepting me the way I am.”

            Evan smiled a big, genuine smile at Jared. “Always.”

            He opened the passenger door and as he was about to close it, he heard Jared say: “Good night, Evan.”  

            He leaned in and said: “Good night, Jared.” Before closing the door and stepping into the cold night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed that! I put my heart and soul into this chapter and it's the first one I'm reaally happy about. It's also fairly long, so, yay!  
> Kudos and comments mean the world! Pls! Give me those!  
> Also come talk to me on tumblr: @abisexualdisaster  
> Let me know if you want me to write from Jared's/Evan's POV.


	4. I am the child that can't be saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kleinsen are gay but they deny it and Jared is a small bean that needs help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you enjoy this chapter! It's a bit heavy and a lot of it is Jared's backstory, but this is a slow build fic and so yeah, I hope you guys bear with me.  
> There are a few thoughts of Jared's in this chapter, and they're written in italics  
> TRIGGER WARNING:abuse, abusive parent, swearing, homo used as an insult, violence

             It has been a few weeks since the “date”, and Evan and Jared went back to being _family_ friends. Jared kept repeating the words _family_ friends to himself, in a failed attempt of repressing his feelings for Evan.

             Things went back to normal – the two boys hanging out between classes, during lunch, sometimes coming over to the other’s house to study together or help each other with homework.

            Jared was certain Evan had forgotten about the „date“ and everything that happened. He was glad Evan didn’t feel the need to talk about it any more that they already have. Sadly, he himself had some trouble forgetting.

            He couldn’t stop thinking about the butterflies in his stomach when he took Evan’s hand into his, about the softness of Evan’s hand and how comfortable and safe he felt holding it. He couldn’t stop thinking about the promising looks they shared, about the way Evan’s eyes lit up watching the new Star Wars movie and how absolutely stunning he looked and how Jared could look at him like that forever…

            Jared was baffled. How has he never realised _?_ He knew he was good at denying his feelings, but _this_ good?

            There were countless times when Jared stayed up all night to help Evan with a project, drove around the entire city just because Evan had a craving for something, calmed Evan down when he needed it and stayed with him until he was absolutely sure he wasn’t panicking anymore…

            The list went on. Jared kept remembering all the things he did for Evan over the years, thinking this is just what good friends do for one another. All the times he couldn’t take his eyes off him, brushing it off as spacing out and getting lost in thought.

            It all made _so much sense_ now.

            Jared Kleinman was in love with Evan Hansen. Completely, utterly, head over heels in love with his stupid hair, and his stupid blue polo shirts and his stupid mumbling and his stupid trees and his stupid projects and his stupid gorgeous eyes and his stupid-

            Or, in other words, Jared Kleinman was completely and utterly fucked.

            Jared started rememebring how they met. The two boys first started hanging out because their moms knew each other, but they kept hanging out because they’d grown to genuinely like each other. As it turns out, Jared had grown to like Evan just a _tad_ too much.  

            They weren’t the best of friends when they met, Jared annoying the crap out of Evan with his jokes and his childishness.

            But the more they got to know each other, the closer they grew. Jared learned about Evan’s anxiety, about the way he sees the world, and he learned how to act around Evan so that he wouldn’t be even more anxious than he already is.

            Their relationship wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was theirs. No matter how many times Jared tried to build walls around himself and push Evan away, it never worked. Evan always found his way back in, and he didn’t even have to try very hard. Jared never knew why he had such a soft spot for Evan. Until now.

            His trail of thought was interrupted by a familiar shoulder nudging him. Jared looked at Evan and saw the embarrassment in his eyes. He had no idea what was going on.

            “Mr. Kleinman, judging by the confused look on your face, I’m assuming you didn’t hear the question I asked, but I won’t bother repeating it since you’re not likely to know the answer. I’m glad you’re ignoring lectures again. Good luck passing this class.“ Mrs. McKenzie said with a bitter expression on her face.

            Jared slid down on his chair, determined to pay attention, but his focus turned to the sandy-haired boy next to him. Evan had a disapproving look on his face, a small wrinkle formed on his forehead. Jared was ought to melt right then and there.

 

            The rest of the day went on as usual, Jared ignoring the lectures thinking about Evan. They had plans to meet up after school, so Jared’s mind was preoccupied with that. The mere thought of seeing Evan in a couple of hours made his heart race and a nervous knot appear in his stomach.

           

            After the last bell of the day rang, Jared practically jumped out of his chair and sprinted all the way to his locker. He didn’t want Evan to have to wait, as he knew it made him nervous.

            When he got to his locker, he pretended to rearrange some things in it in an attempt to catch his breath, so that Evan had no clue he just ran across the entire school.

            „Hey!“ Jared heard a familar voice behind him say, and his heart almost jumped out of his chest from excitment.

            „Hey, acorn.“ Jared teased.

            „Y-you know I hate when you call me that.“ Evan frowned, the wrinkle on his forehead making an appearence yet again.

            „And you know I love to tease you.“

            „C-can we go, please? There are too many people here.“ Evan looked around the crowded hallway, clearly feeling uncomfortable.

            „Yeah, sure. Come on.“

            They made their way to the exit silently. They never talked a whole lot in school, at least not as much as they talked when they were alone.

            They made it outside, both of the boys going to a distant abandoned corner of the courtyard so they could have some privacy.

            „So...what do you want to do today?“ Jared asked with his heart in his throat. His voice was surpsingly steady, though.

            „W-well...I was thinking I would just go home today for I have a lot of studying to do. I would invite you over, but uh...it’s just that… You’re not in the classes I have to study for and your presence would probably slow me down and I’m r-really sorry I promise I-„

            „Hey, hey Ev. It’s okay. I understand.“ Jarred interruped Evan from his rambling.

            Evan took a deep breath and smiled. „I’m glad.“

            Jared was quite sad he wouldn’t get to spend the day with Evan, but he tried his best to hide his feelings.

            „Well...I better get going then. Wouldn’t want to slow you down. Have a good day.“

            As Jared turned to leave, he heard a very quiet, very soft, almost inaudible „Wait“ behind him.

            „What is it, Evan?“ Jared turned around to face the taller boy.

            „W-well it’s just that… ThereisnocarformetodayandIhatehtebussoIwaswonderingwhetheryoucouldtakeitwithme.“

            Jared raised an eyebrow in confusion. „Okay, you know I didn’t get any of that, right? Repeat, please.“

            Evan took a deep breath and took a long pause before speaking again. „I-it’s nothing, just that I have to take the bus today, a-and you know I hate the bus, so maybe, if you don’t have any other plans, you could take it with me?“

            „Oh...well I uh...“

            Jared was about to reject Evan’s proposition, but the hopeful look on Evan’s face left him too weak.

„Sure. Let’s take the bus.“

            The biggest smile appeared on Evan’s face as Jared said that, and Jared’s knees suddenly felt so weak he was surprised he was still standing.

 

            The duo made their way through the courtyard, staying silent. Jared felt so lucky to feel Evan’s presence next to him. It was unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

            He was so aware of Evan’s movements, of his presence, of the electricity between them.

            They got to the bus stop and went to look at the times the bus leaves.

            Evan exhaled, the nervousness making his breath tremble. „Oh, no, we just missed one. The next one goes in an hour. Oh m-man, I’m gonna have to wait here alone now, I’m s-o sorry you walked here for nothing, you can just leave-“

            „Hey, why don’t we just walk? The walk to your house surely takes less than an hour.” Jared proposed.

            Evan stopped to think for a minute. „T-that could work.. perhaps...“

            Jared smiled. „Okay. Good. Now come on, you bus-hating dork.“

            Evan frowned at the nickname, but followed.

 

            They have been walking for about 20 minutes, talking about anything and everything, smiling, laughing, punching each other playfully.

            Jared was certain he fell more in love with Evan with each breath passing, if that was even possible.  

            They were in the middle of an argument about whether pineapple belonged on pizza or not (obviously, Jared was against the abomination which Evan found upsetting) when a familiar voice interrupted their conversation.

            „JARED! EVAN! WAIT UP!“

            The duo turned around to see Eric running towards them. Evan looked at Jared with a horriffied expression on his face.

            _Shit. Shit shit shit fuck._ was all Jared’s mind was able to come up with.

            Before he could tell Evan it was going to be okay, Evan took his hand and interlocked his fingers with his, just in time for Eric to catch up to them.

            „Hey, lovebirds. How’s it going?”

            Never has Jared wanted to die more than in this moment.

            „Hey, Eric...it’s going fine, thanks. What about you?“ Jared said hesitantly.

            „Oh yeah, I’m great. Just about to go home to play around with my boys for a bit.“ Eric winked.

            _Jesus, this guy has no boundaries whatsoever._

            Jared could see Evan staring at his shoes, redness entering his cheeks.

            „Good for you, Eric.“

            „Hey, did I see you guys not holding hands before? What’s going on, having a fight?“

            _This guy cannot mind his own business, I swear to god_.  

            Jared felt Evan tense up even more. Evan looked at Jared, petrified. Jared could tell Evan was about to tell Eric the truth.

            „No, I was just explaining how pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza and how I don’t associate with people who put it on there.“ Jared smiled bitterly.

            Eric seemed convinced. „Well, then I guess we’ll have to stop hanging out, since I think pineapple on pizza’s delicious!“ Eric started to laugh, as if what he just said was some sort of hilarious thing. He then proceeded to punch Jared in the shoulder so hard Jared had to take a step backwards to maintain his balance.  

            As Eric realised what he just said didn’t seem funny to the two boys, he coughed and said. „Well, I guess I better get going. Don’t want them to start the party without me. Bye!“ he smirked and left.

 

            When they were sure Eric was long gone, they both led out a huge sigh of relief. They started laughing hysterically. They couldn’t believe what just happened, and that they pulled it off.

            Jared was painfully aware Evan’s hand was still in his, but he couldn’t bring himself to let go. He felt frozen.

            They stood like that for a while, the laugh slowly disappearing. Silence followed.

            They would’ve probably stayed like that forever, if it wasn’t for the car that stopped next to them.

            The window of the car rolled down, and Jared’s heart sank. No, it escaped his body and sank to the core of the earth. He felt like he was about to pass out. He quickly let go of Evan’s hand and turned to face the driver.

 

            „Jared? What on god’s earth are you doing?”

            It was his father. The same father that has made his life a living hell ever since he came back to his mom. The same father who hated Jared and everything he did. The same father that was, above all else, a huge homophobe.

“Nothing? What are you doing?” Jared said, trying to hide his fear. He wasn’t very successful.

„Get in the car.“

Jared didn’t move.

„Get. In. The. Car.“ His father said with a threatening tone.

Jared could feel Evan panicking next to him. He didn’t mind his father being a dick to him, he was used to that and he was sure deserved it. But Evan did not deserve to witness this.

He turned to face the panicking boy. “Hey, uh, Evan, it’s okay. That’s just my dad. Are you going to be okay? You’ll make it home on your own, right?“

Evan couldn’t bring himself to say a word, so he just nodded.

„Okay. Text me when you get there alright?“

Another nod. And that was it.

            Jared got into the passanger seat and before he could close the door behind him, his father was already driving away.

            The drive home was silent. Jared knew his father was upset, but he wanted to wait till they got home to resolve the conflict.

            And his way of „resolving“ things was yelling at Jared, taking his phone away and then locking him in his room. He also loved to make sure to tell Jared what a pathetic piece of shit he was and how disappointed he is in him.

           

            His father pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. Jared followed him silently, knowing what was about to come.

            As soon as they entered the house and closed the door behind them, Jared’s father started yelling.

            „What was that, Jared? Why the fuck were you holding that boy’s hand?“

            „It’s not like that, dad, I promise…“ Jared said, fighting back tears. His voice was shaking and he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated how vulnerable he looked and how obvious it was he was scared of his father.

            “Bullshit! You’re lying to me again, you stupid useless piece of shit!“

            „Dad...please...“

            „So what, are you a  _homo_ now? Huh? Is that what you are?“

            Jared couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

            „Wasn’t that guy Evan? Evan Hansen? Your mother’s friend’s son? Huh? What were you doing with him?“

Jared’s father barely took any breaths in between sentences.

„I always knew that kid was fucked up, always stuttering, unable to get a single sentence out, but my god, I had no idea how fucked up he actually was.“

Jared’s blood started boiling in his veins.

„Don’t talk that way about him.“ He said, his voice dangerously low.

„Or what? What are you gonna do, huh? You heard me. He is fucked up. He should just kill himself, the world is better off without people like him.“  Jared’s father said with an evil grin on his face.    

Jared couldn’t take it anymore. He just couldn’t. He didn’t mind his father insulting him, that was fine, but insulting Evan? Fuck no.

„You know what, _dad_? Evan isn’t gay. Yeah, that’s right. He’s not. He’s an amazing human being, with so much love to give even your evil heart would change.   
You know who is gay, though? Me. Yeah. Your son is gay. Wow, what a disaster right? A person loving a different person, oh my god, what an abomination.“

Jared was sobbing now, but he was determined to continue. This ends here, now.

            “I was never good enough for you. Everything I did was always wrong. So yeah, throw this into the mix. I’M GAY, DAD. I LOVE BOYS. I WANT TO HOLD THEM AND KISS THEM AND FUCK THEM SENSELESS AND THERE’S _NOTHING_ YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE ME.“

            There was a deadly silence for a minute or two. Jared didn’t know what to expect. He’d never stoop up to his father.

            All those years of abuse, the constant insults and comments. The constant reminders Jared would never be good enough. Jared has had enough, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He was an adult now. He didn’t need his father.  

            His father closed the gap between them and slapped Jared across the face. He slapped him so hard Jared fell onto the floor.

            His father proceeded to say: “I wish your mother had swallowed you and you were never born. But, now that you’re alive, I hope you die, you pathetic homo. I want you out of the house within an hour. And don’t ever come back or I swear to god I’ll kill you myself.” and with that, he left.

 

            Jared laid there for a while, his face burning, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t know what he would do or where he would go.

            He laid there unaware of the time passing. After a while, he realized he was petrified to stay in the house when his father came home and so he decided he would stand up.

            His entire face hurt so badly he almost passed out from the pain, but he managed to stand up and crawl into his room.

            He couldn’t stop crying. He looked around the room, so many memories coming back to him.

            How his mom cleaned his room every once in a while because she couldn’t stand the mess anymore. How she let him put up posters when he was 10 because he wouldn’t leave her alone for solid 3 weeks. How he curled up on his bed, sobbing his eyes out, the first time his father locked him in the room.  

            He looked at the desk in the corner, remembering every homework he was supposed to do but didn’t.

            He looked at the stereo under the shelf, remembering how he secretly jammed to Taylor Swift every now and then.

            He looked at the closet, remembering how he stood in front of it every day only to always wear the same clothing.

            He looked at the books piled on the bookshelf, remembering how he used to read and how he always promised he would get back into it but didn’t.

            He’d have looked around the room for longer if he had more time, but he didn’t. And so, he gathered the few useful things he owned – his laptop and the charger, his headphones, textbooks, a hanfdul of clothes and underwear, his toothbrush and a plush toy of an elephant he sleepes with (not that he would ever admit that to anyone). He then proceeded to open a secret compartment in his desk from where he took around 300$ that he made while working over the summer. He put all the stuff in his backpack and proceeded to walk towards the door.

            He looked around the room one last time, breathing in the familiar smell as closed the door with tears in his eyes.

            He walked down the stairs slowly, taking one last look at the house that he spent the last 18 years in.

            When he stepped on the doorstep, he turned around to look at the house one last time. He was aware this was a cliche thing to do, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted one last look, one last goodbye.

            As he walked away from the house, he realized he had nowhere to go. He started panicking, realizing he was homeless and had next to no money.

            Lost in thought, he almost missed his phone vibrating in the back pocket of his jeans.

            It was Evan, letting him know he got home safe, asking whether Jared was alright.

            Evan.

            Jared’s head was filled with that one name.

            _Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan_

And suddenly, he knew where he would go.

            He walked around the neighborhood slowly, breathing in the cold air. The sun has set and the neighborhood was quiet.

            It didn’t take him long to get to Evan’s house. He noticed his phone was vibrating quite a bit. Evan was probably panicking since Jared didn’t bother to respond to his text to tell him he was okay. After all, he really wasn’t.

            He stopped for a little bit, making sure this was what he wanted to do.

            He then realised he has never been more certain of anything in his life.

            He stepped onto the porch, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, a cliffhanger.  
> I hope you guys enjoyed that. Writing it was quite draining, so I hope it was worth it.  
> As always, Kudos and comments are greately appreciated and wanted! Give me all the validation.  
> Also, come talk to me on tumblr! @abisexualdisaster   
> Next up: Kleinsen are roomies *excited oohs are heard in the distance*  
> Thank you for reading!!


	5. You make it easier when life gets hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the hanses adopt jared (not quite literally but..you'll see)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I hope you guys enjoy this one, I'm sorry it took quite a long time.  
> Also, Jared's mom is dead in this fic, she died in a car accident, I don't think this was mentioned before. 
> 
> Also, the chapter title is from the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz which is suuuch a Kleinsen song my god.
> 
> tw: mentions of abuse, death

            “Jared!” Evan gasped as he hugged the smaller boy.                  

            Jared tried his best to keep the tears in, to mask the sobs as coughs. He always tried to look as the tough guy, the one that didn’t let anything get to him, but sometimes even he had to let some feelings show.  He pulled away, trying to look strong, but kept his gaze on the ground. He was certain Evan was blushing, thinking he’d overstepped their boundaries, but Jared was incapable of reassuring him at the moment.

            “Hey, you.” Jared said hesitantly, preparing himself for the inevitable questioning that was about to begin.

            Evan looked at the bags Jared was carrying. “W-what happened? Do you want to talk about it? B-because if not we absolutely don’t have to, we can just, uh, uh, uh play…games? O-or we could watch that movie you love, that horrible movie w-with the hotel and the labyrinth and the woman who plays the mother who can’t act at all...“

            How Jared could still think Evan’s rambling was the cutest thing in the world even in this situation was mind-boggling. But, even though he was completely gutted by the situation with his father, there he was, his heart racing, butterflies in his stomach.

            „You mean The Shining?“ Jared couldn’t help but smile.

            „Yeah! That!“ Evan tried to mask his fear with a crooked smile. It didn’t work.

            „Evan that movie makes you shit your pants.“ Jared was full on grinning now.

            „W-well we did watch Miss Saigon last time, so it is uh, your turn now. I have to sit through whatever you choose.“ Evan said, not even trying to sound enthusiastic.

            „Hey, that’s okay, there’s uh…there’s actually something we need to talk about.“

            Evan’s eyes widened. They always did when a sudden hit of anxiety hit him, but it was almost unnoticeable to the untrained eye.

            „O-okay...uh...come in.“ He stepped aside so Jared could walk in.

            As Jared was walking through the hallway, he looked around the house. It wasn’t a big one, certainly smaller than his own, but it felt so warm and welcoming. His own house was so big, so open and there were only 3 people living in it, all the emtpy space felt...hostile, somehow.

            Evan’s house was different. It wasn’t only that it was small, but the whole feel of it was different. You could feel the love in the walls. The house was painted in warm colors, shades of burgundy, brown ,yellow and orange. It wasn’t the most modern-looking house, but that’s what made it special.

            Jared passed the stairs and the bathroom, which was a little bit small but completely functional. He passed the kitchen and entered the living room. It smelled of pine trees and lavander, the two smells Evan adored the most. One would think those two scents wouldn’t go together and yet, in this room, they somehow captured the essence perfectly.

            The living room had a fireplace in front of which the boys used to play when they were too small to be left alone in Evan’s room. It brought back some nice memories, although it made Jared wonder whether he was in love with Evan even then. He was always so upset their moms wouldn’t leave them alone, he wanted Evan for himself and himself only.

            He stepped onto the floor before the fireplace, just like when they were kids, and sat down. Evan joined him, making sure to leave enough space between them.

            Jared wished for nothing more than for Evan to come closer, to hold him and tell him everything’d be okay, but he pushed the thoughts away. He knew he conversation he was about to have required his full attention.

            „So...my father kicked me out.“ he said with a hysterical laugh. Making jokes and laughing in uncomfortable situations has always been his coping mechanism. Evan wasn’t too fond of it. It confused him.

            „wHAT" Evan squealed, convering his mouth with his hands, his eyes wide. He was clearly in shock.

            „Yeaaaah... I sorta came out to him, told him I was gay, so then, naturally, being the _great_ father that he is, he hit me and told me to get out of the house. Aaanyway, what’s new with you?” Jared couldn’t look Evan in the eyes, so he just kept staring at his feet. He realized one of his socks had a hole in it, and made a mental note to move his feet accordingly, so that Evan wouldn’t notice.

            „O-oh god, Jared, that’s so h-horrible I-I am so sorry...“ Evan started tearing up, his hands began to shake.

            “H-hey no, don’t cry, it’s okay, I’ll find a place to live and besides-„

            „Can’t you live here?” Evan said with a steady voice, which kinda freaked out Jared.

            “H-hey no, come on, that is not happening, I have some money I’ll look for a place and I-“

            „No, t-that’s…when my mom finds out about this, she won’t just let you go live on the streets. Y-you’ll live with us.” Evan said, his voice less steady with each word said.

            As Evan said the last words, the boys heard the keys jingle in the front of the house, as if this was some sort of sick joke from the universe. Jared couldn’t believe his luck.

            „Evan! I’m home! I brought pizza!“ Heidi screamed excitedly. Jared couldn’t help but feel bad for interrupting their family dinner.

            “Hey, mom! I’m in the living room!“

            „You would not believe the day I’ve had, that stupid cow Nancy has spilled her coffee all over the nurses’ uniforms again and I swear she does that one more time I will-Oh, hey Jared! You’re here too!“ Heidi stopped herself mid sentence as she saw Jared sitting near Evan.

            „Hey Ms. Hansen.“

            Heidi put the pizza on the table. „Oh, gosh, I only brought one, I didn’t know you’d be joining us, let me just call the delivery place-“

            „No, don’t worry about it Ms. Hansen, I’m not hungry anyway.”

            „Are you sure, honey? Because I can absolutely call and order another one, that’s no problem.“ Heidi said with a reassuring smile.

            Evan made intense eye contact with Jared, making it clear he wanted him to get another pizza.

            Jared sighed. “Let me be the one to do it then, please. I wouldn’t want to be more trouble than I already am, interrupting your family dinner and all.“   

            „Oh please, Jared, you know you’re always welcome here, especially now that you and Evan are _finally_ together. Let me tell you that took you guys quite a while. Okay, I’m gonna go upstairs and then I’m gonna order another pizza. Does pepperoni work?” Heidi said with a warming smile, as if she didn’t just say the most ridiculous thing she could’ve possibly said.

            Jared was at a loss of words. „I-I-uh-yeah uh...pepperoni...works?“ was all he managed to get out.

            When the boys were sure Heidi couldn’t hear them anymore, they both started freaking out.

            „She thinks we’re _what_???” Jared whispered and shouted at the same time. Yes, that is possible.

            “I-I didn’t tell her!!“ Evan squealed.

            „Okay... it doesn’t matter. Are we gonna tell her the truth? We’re gonna tell her the truth, right?“

            „W-well....“ Evan trailed off. Jared did not like where this was going.

            „Evan, we have to!“

            „It’s just...we’re gonna be spending a lot of time together anyway, you l-living here and all...a-and she seemed so..happy? about us..I just.. she would probably feel a l-lot better knowing I have someone I can rely on? all the time...and it’s not like we haven’t done this before…” Evan kept pulling the sleeves of his sweater and breaking eye contact, clearly nervous from the proposition.

            On the one hand, he wasn’t wrong. They _had_ done this before. But come on, fake dating in front of 3 strangers that didn’t matter was one thing, fake dating in front of  Heidi was something completely different. Jared wasn’t sure if he could do it.

            “Please? S-she worries about me all the time, and I feel so guilty all the time, I just wish I was normal and she could have one moment of peace but she can’t and maybe this way she’ll actually get to and-“

            „Okay! Fine! I’m in. But if this backfires, it won’t be my fault, Hansen.“ Jared sighed. This was so _not_ going to help him get over his feelings.

            Evan took a deep breath. “T-thank you. This means a lot to me. I know we’re just family friends, but I still really appreciate it.”

            Jared’s heart hurt at the sound of „family“ friends. Evan was so much more to him than that and he thought Evan knew that. He wished he could tell him how he really feels, but he wasn’t willing to risk what they had. It just wasn’t worth it. Evan would never want such a fuckup anyway.

            “W-we need to talk to my mom about your….situation? I-is that okay?”

            Jared sighed. “Well, I suppose at least this way we’ll talk it over pizza. One silver lining.“

            „I’ll never understand your obsession with pizza. I mean, I like it, but it’s just bread with tomatoes and cheese.“

            „Yes, and you love to ruin that perfection with pineapple.“ Jared grinned.

            „Hey! Pineapple makes the pizza great, okay!“ Evan frowned. Jared loved to tease him about loving the combination.

            Well, Jared loved to tease him about everything.

            „Okay! The pizza’s on its way, why don’t we all sit down in the dining room? We can eat while we wait.”  Heidi said with a broad smile on her face. Jared never understood how that much positivity could fit into such a small woman.

            They made their way to the dining room, the stress building up in Jared’s body. He was not looking forward to the conversation about to come.

            The boys went to sit down on opposite sides of the table. “Hey, come on! I know you guys are dating now, you should sit next to each other. Don’t be shy!“

            The duo looked at each other, redness entering their cheeks. They obeyed, though, and sat next to each other, making sure to leave enough space between them so that their bodies wouldn’t touch.

            Heidi opened the box and the boys burst into laughter.

            Heidi raised an eyebrow at them, confused. She was still similing, though. „W-what’s so funny?”

            The boys had to take solid 5 minutes before they were able to speak again.

            “We were just talking about how Evan likes to ruin pizza with pineapple, and of course, even this pizza has it.”

             “Well, I quite like the combination too! So, I take it you’re not interested in this pizza then? Heidi was laughing with them now.

            “As _scrumptious_ as this food combo is, I think I’ll pass, thank you.“ Jared laughed.  

            “Don’t worry, your anti-pineapple pizza will be here any minute.“ Heidi smiled, as she took a slice and bit into it.

            The atmosphere was so light, bright and happy, Jared felt bad he would have to ruin it any second.

            “S-so, mom…Jared has something he needs to talk to you about.”          

            Jared was not prepared to talk about it just yet, but Evan gave him no choice.

            And so, he took a deep breath and told Heidi everything. How ever since his mom died, his father has blamed him for the accident. How he has made his life a living hell. How he made sure to tell his son what a useless human being he is, and how he’ll never be happy. How he locked him in his room and took away all his things to punish him for nothing. How he saw Evan and Jared holding hands on the street and then kicked him out for being gay.

            „And so...uh...I really don’t mean to be a bother, I don’t, and I’m really embarrassed to even ask this, but could I… stay with you for a while? Just until I find a new place, I’ll start looking for jobs immediately and I-“

            „Jared.“ Heidi interrupted him.

            „I’m really sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen, I-“

            „Jared.“ Heidi interrupted him again, calmly.

            Jared fought the tears so hard he thought some veins in his brain would explode.

            „....yes?“ Jared said, his voice trembling. He hated when he couldn’t control his emotions, but there was nothing he could do. This situation would break even the strongest person.

            „Of course you can stay with us. Why would you ever think I would be against it? I would never let you be out on the street, alone. Now. I know it’s your senior year, and I know for a fact you have a savings account that you can access, the money your mom was saving for college. So you will be going to college, is that correct?“

            „Y-yes.“ Jared said weakly.

            „Okay. You will stay with us until that happens. I don’t want you to think about finding a new place or anything of the sort. You’re gonna focus on your studies and on getting into college. Until then, you’ll live here. Are we clear?“ Heidi looked more serious than Jared has ever seen her.

            „B-but Ms. Hansen, I can’t-“

            „Nuh uh. It’s Heidi now. I will be happy to have you under my roof. And don’t you even think about paying rent or something. You’ll help with the cleaning, occasionally cook dinner along with Evan so we all don’t get obese from all the take out and that is all the payment I need.” Heidi smiled.

            „I....I don’t know what to say, Ms. Hansen…I-I mean Heidi.... this.... this means so much to me. Thank you. You saved me.“ Jared could not fight the tears anymore. He wiped them off angrily with his hand, angry at himself for showing emotion, but before he could speak again, Heidi stood up and pulled him into a tight hug.  

            „Your mother would’ve been so proud of you.“ she whispered into his ear.

* * *

 

 

            They spent the rest of the evening talking, eating pizza and playing board games. The Hansens’ presence made Jared forget about all the things that should’ve been weighing him down. He felt like he was home.

            The night had come to an end, and so the boys said good night to Heidi and moved to the bedroom. Heidi made sure to tell them to not do any „funny stuff“, which made both of the boys blush so much even their ears were red. Heidi really did seem quite happy about their relationship. I mean...“relationship.“

            Evan’s bed had a retractable bed at the bottom of it, for which Jared was very thankful for. It looked like he was going to be staying here for a while, and the thought of sleeping on the floor the entire time wasn’t the most pleasant one.

            „I-I’m sorry you have to sleep on this, but we d-didn’t have the space for a guest room…“ Evan seemed embarrassed by this.

            „Hey, don’t worry, it’s great. At least when my back hurts so much I can’t stand, I’ll get to skip PE! Or you know, if you fall on me during the night and I suffocate to death, you’ll at the very least make my father _very_ happy.“ Jared tried to joke with a sad smile, but Evan’s face went pale and it was clear Jared had gone a tad far.  

            „Hey, Ev, I mean it. It’s really great. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for everything you guys have done for me.”   

            „D-don’t talk like that. I-it’s our pleasure.“ Evan reasssured him.

            And so, the two boys got ready for bed and lied down on their beds. Jared knew Evan liked to read before sleep, and so they left the lights on. They said goodnight and were supposed to drift off to sleep.

            Except, even after about half an hour, Jared was still awake. He was laying with his face away from Evan, so the taller boy probably thought he was asleep, but he wasn’t. His thoughts kept racing. He couldn’t forget about his father and all the events from today. He knew his father didn’t matter and he knew what he said wasn’t true, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about it. He’d tried everything to make sure his father’s words don’t get to him, but somehow, they still penetrated the tough skin he thought he’d grown.

            It didn’t help that the boy he loved was inches away from him, and he wanted nothing more than to hug him and to fall asleep with his cuddles.

            Suddenly, he heard Evan get up from his bed to go turn off the lights. He tried his best to pretend he was asleep. He thought he succeeded when Evan returned to his bed and pulled the covers over his body.

            They laid like that for a while, the only hearable sound being the occasional cars passing outside. The air in the room felt heavy, somehow.

            „Jared? A-Are you asleep?“ Evan whispered.

            Jared thought about whether he should answer or not. He instead just turned around and put his hand under his head to face Evan.

            „No. I’m sleep-talking.“ Jared grinned.

            „S-so...we’re roomies now.”

            Jared hated the word roomies, but hearing Evan use it made him feel things he never thought he could. Why must everything Evan says and does be so god damn adorable?

            „Yeah. I guess so. Sorry to invade your privacy. I promise to hang out in the living room sometimes, so you have your alone time.“

            „Oh t-that’s okay. I’m sure we’ll manage.“

            The room was silent for a while.

            „A-are....are you okay?“ Evan decided to break the silence. „With all the stuff that has happened today, I mean...“ Jared couldn’t see much, but he could see Evan’s worried face even in the dark.

            “Yeah I…I will be. It’s just all still really fresh, you know.“ Jared couldn’t look Evan in the eye despite the fact he couldn’t even see Evan’s eyes properly.

            “Y-yeah…I’m really sorry about your dad. He’s a douche. We all love you the way you are-“

            The atmosphere in the room changed instantly.

            „N-not like _love_ love you, obviously, I mean as a friend, Sorry! As a  _family_ friend! D-d-don’t take that the wrong way p-please-“

            Jared couldn’t help but laugh. „I know what you meant, dummy.“

            „Oh.“ Evan sighed in relief. „Okay.“

            The boys were quiet for a while, neither of them knowing what to say.

            „W-well...I guess we should go to sleep. It’s a school day tomorrow.“ Evan proposed.

            „Yeah...I guess we should.“ Jared tried to hide his disappointment the best he could, but he was pretty certain he failed.

            “Good night, Jared.” Jared could tell Evan as smiling.

            “Good night, Ev.” Jared couldn’t help but smile, too.

            And after that conversation, and with Evan’s smile still on his mind, Jared drifted into sleep within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!  
> Pls give me all thekudos and comments!! I am thirsty for them! They are greatly appreciated and wanted, they make me so so happy and they encourage me to keep writing!  
> I love ya'll. Happy new year. May your 2018 be the best year of your life so far. x


	6. Let's keep pretending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are exposed but not really and they're also having a fight but not really

            Evan woke up the next day to see Jared still asleep, a little pool of drool gathered on his pillow. Evan hated saliva, germs and any sort of mess overall, any yet he caught himself thinking how cute Jared looked. He quickly pushed those thoughts away and got out of bed to get ready for school.

            He had brushed his teeth, got dressed and Jared still showed no signs of conscioussnes. Evan figured he was probably a heavy sleeper, and that he’d have to wake him up.

            He wasn’t sure how to do it. He kept staring at Jared, quiet snores escaping his mouth.

            _Should I maybe slam the door? Not too hard, obviously, just enough to wake him up and then I could act like it was an accident…or I could just shake his shoulders until he’d wake up? But that could scare him and I wouldn’t want to scare him…I could maybe let him sleep for a bit more? But it’s quite late already I don’t-_

            „I mean I know I’m adorable, but watching me while I sleep, Hansen? That’s too creepy even for you.“ Evan was so lost in thought he didn’t notice Jared woke up on his own.

            „jARED!“ Evan squealed, „Y-Yo-You’re awake!” Evan immediately averted his gaze and started looking around the room in a desperate attempt to avoid looking Jared in the eyes.

            “Well, of course I’m awake, it’s impossible to sleep with someone staring at you. That’s why people wake up in the middle of the night, because ghosts stare at them and won’t leave.“ Jared said flatly.

            Evan’s eyes widened. „W-what do you mean ghosts stare at them? G-ghosts aren’t real.“

            Jared gave Evan a sly look. „Well, of course they’re real, Evan,“ he got up from the bed, slowly, maintaining eye contact, „They haunt those that are afraid of them and/or disrespect them,“ He took a step closer, shortening the distance between him and the taller boy, „And once they pick their victim, they stare at them every night, until one night,“ Jared was quite close to Evan now, and Evan was grateful he had brushed his teeth beforehand, „they STRIKE!“ Jared shouted suddenly with his hands in the air, which made Evan jump and let out a high-pitched scream.

            Jared bent over and put his hands on his knees, nearly falling over from laughter.

            Evan was not amused in the slightest. „Ha-ha, very funny, Jared.“ he said, rolling his eyes. „I was gonna drive you to school, since I got my car back from the repair shop, but you can walk instead.“

            Jared stopped laughing immediately. He dropped to his knees and put his hands together in a prayer. „I pray to thee, my lord and savior, Evan Hansen, for I have sinned. I regret my actions deeply and will you please drive me to school because it’s really cold outside and I’d freeze my ass off if I were to walk?“

            Evan shook his head. „You’ve got ten minutes,” and with that, he was out the door.  

            He made his way downstairs where two lunches to go were packed with a sweet note from his mom, saying how she’d be working late and how she wishes them both a good day. Evan started panicking slightly at the thought of him and Jared being alone when they came back from school, but he tried not to think about it too much.

            They spent a lot of time alone before they decided to be fake-boyfriends and it was fine. Why should anything be different now? Right?

            Evan leaned on the door of his car, waiting for Jared to show up. They actually had way more time than 10 minutes, but Jared was always late and so Evan figured if he told him 10 minutes, he’d show up in 20 and that’d be the perfect amount of time for them to get to school.

            And sure enough, 20 minutes of pointless scrolling through Tumblr later, Jared appeared at the door. He eyed Evan up and down. „Who are you trying to impress, leaning on the car like that?“

            Evan felt redness entering his cheeks. „N-no one...I...Ugh, I should’ve left without you.“ He said as he opened the door to the driver’s seat.

            Jared shrugged, „Probably.“

            The ride to school was silent, except for the music Jared insisted on playing. It was some sort of metal-band that had heavy guitars and screams in it. Evan didn’t like it very much, but taking the events of yesterday into account, he figured Jared deserved to have his tunes on at least once.

            When they pulled in to the parking lot, Evan wasn’t feeling too bad. He had no tests that day, he wasn’t late, everything was okay. And most importantly, him and Jared didn’t have to pretend they were boyfriend anymore, and the confusion and stress could all finally go away.

            If only Evan knew how wrong he was.

            They got out of the car and started walking towards the school. Evan made sure to keep a safe distance between him and Jared so that their shoulders wouldn’t accidentally touch or something like that.

            He didn’t know if it was his usual paranoia, or if the people passing by really did give them weird looks. He looked over at Jared, who has apparently also spotted the same thing. He shrugged and continued walking to the entrance.

            A familiar figure crossed their path and gave them a huge smile. „I’m so proud of you guys for being the first openly gay couple at this school! I think it’s about time you two finally came out. I, personally, am not gay, but if I was, I’d totally find you guys inspiring. Maybe we could set up a Gay-Straight Alliance! That’d be so much fun. Not that I’m very straight myself, I’m more pansexual? Anyways, we could totally defeat the homophobes and whatnot. Anyway, I should get going! See ya!“

            The boys stood there in shock, looking at Alana Beck, their mutual acquaintance, walking away and waving at them at the same time.

            “W-what just happened?” Evan was starting to panic.

            “I…I think…I think she thinks we’re…dating?“Jared replied, stuttering. This freaked Evan out even more, since Jared never stuttered. He was always the confident one, the one that knew what to say.

            “Why would she think that?” Evan squealed, noticing the entire hallway was now looking at them.

            “I…I don’t know. Maybe someone saw us yesterday and somehow told the entire school..or...I don’t fucking know.“

            Evan felt everyone’s eyes on him, burning a hole into his chest. He stared getting incredibly uncomfortable, his breath getting faster and faster.

            “I-I…I gotta go.” Evan mumbled before rushing away.

            “Evan, wait!” He heard Jared scream after him, which only made him walk swifter.

            He pushed past the students and got increasingly more anxious. He just wished they would stop staring at him.

            He got to his locker and buried his face in it, pretending to be searching for something. He was just waiting for the bell to ring and the people to leave in reality.

When the bell finally rang and all the students went to class, leaving Evan alone in the hallway, he started looking around frantically, his breathing heavy, trying to find the nearest bathroom.

            Once he did, he made his way to it, his entire body trembling.

            He locked himself in one of the stalls and started weeping. He couldn’t control his body’s reaction to the stress it was exposed to.

            _They all think I’m gay, not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but they all know my name now, they all know who I am, I was so happy being invisible and now Alana wants to form some sort of alliance and people will come up to me and make fun of me and I can’t deal with that and Jared oh god Jared was just outed to the entire school and he’ll probably blame me for it it’s all my fault it’s always my fault I wish I died when I let go of the tree-_

„Is anyone in here?“ a soft voice that Evan recognised as Zoe Murphy’s interrupted his trail of thought.

            He quickly put his legs on the toiler and covered his mouth with his hands so that she would leave him be.

            „I, I don’t mean to intrude, but I heard you from the hallway and you sounded quite upset. You can come out, it’s okay.“ She said with a soothing voice.

            _Great, Zoe Murphy will see how pathetic I actually am and she will also think I’m gay so I officially have no chance with her, not that I had any chance with her before but now I definitely don’t, splendid, I can’t deal with this everything’s falling apart_

            Evan let out a loud involuntary sob. The room was silent for a while, and just when Evan thought she was gone, he heard a gentle knock on the door of his stall.

            “Hey, buddy, you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to, but at least talk to me. You’re clearly very upset and I won’t leave you alone like this.“ She insisted.

            Evan wiped the tears of his face. He calmed his breathing down just enough to not seem like a complete psychopat, inhaled sharply and opened the door.

            „Evan! Oh gosh, what happened to you?“

            He started sobbing again. He knew he was overreacting, and that this wasn’t that big a deal, but he couldn’t help himself.

            Zoe pulled him into a tight embrace, stroking his back. They stayed like that for a while until Evan had calmed down enough to talk.

            „I’m sorry, I just…thanks. I-I uh, needed that.“ He said when he pulled away, wiping the tears off his face for the 10th time.

            „Hey, it’s okay...You wanna tell me what happened?“ she said with compassion in her voice.

            „N-nothing, it’s s-stupid...I just...everyone thinks Jared and I are dating  for some reason? A-and everyone was staring at us and Alana wanted to make some sort of alliance where I would have to talk to people and everyone knows who I am now and I just want to be left alone and I-“ he started to get worked up again.

            „Hey, hey, breathe.“ She smiled at him. „What do you mean _thinks_? Are you two not dating?“

            „N-no...“

            Zoe raised an eyeberow at him. „I’m sorry, I just always assumed you two were a couple, you’re always together and all..“

            „I’m not gay!“ Evan squealed. „I-I don’t think...I don’t know, I never thought about Jared that way, whatever. The point is, Jared and I are not together. We pretended to be, but that was only for a day and a half ...“

            Zoe gave Evan a confused look. „Well...I don’t know why you’d do that in the first place if you didn’t have feelings for each other, but okay…” Evan’s face went pale.

            “Look, I’m sure you and Jared will figure it out, whether you decide to tell the truth or not.” She gave Evan a reassuring smile. “And hey, your secret’s safe with me.“ She winked.

            Evan let out a deep sigh of relief. „Y-You should go to class. T-thanks..“ he trailed off.

            She chuckled. „Yeah, I guess I should. It’ll be okay, Evan. See you around. “ and with that, she was gone.

 

* * *

 

            Evan spent the rest of the day as any other day. He tried to avoid people as much as possible, and by lunch, no one even gave him weird looks anymore. He ate his lunch, went to his classes and everything felt like it was back to normal.

            Except for one thing – Jared was living with him now, and he stormed off earlier, and he’d have to talk to him and it’d be super awkward and weird. The thought gave Evan butterflies, and not the good kind. For the most part.

            He couldn’t stop thinking about what Zoe said. It was all so confusing to him. He was sure she was wrong, but he still couldn’t stop thinking about it. They didn’t need real feelings to pretend to be boyfriends. Evan just wanted to help his _family_ friend out, and Jared wanted to impress the dudes from the gay bar.

            There was nothing more to it. Right?

 

* * *

 

            He jumped when the bell ringing announced the end of his last class. He knew what that meant – an awkward car ride home with Jared. Hanging out with Jared at his house, alone. Talking about the whole fake-dating thing with Jared. _Being with Jared._

            He tried to convince himself it’d be okay, but wasn’t very successful. He got to his car and leaned on it the same way he did in the morning, preparing to make a joke about it once Jared showed up.

            And it was a great idea that would’ve made the situation less awkward, it only had one flaw. Jared never showed up.

            Evan was getting more and more stressed out with each moment passing. He knew Jared had finished his classes, too, and he also knew he had nowhere else to go.

            He tried calling him, but of course, the call went straight to voicemail.

            „Yo, it’s the insanely cool Jared Kleinman, don’t bother leaving a message, I won’t listen to it because it’s not 1990 anymore. Peace!“

            Evan couldn’t help but chuckle at the message, even in this situation.

            He got out a piece of paper along with a pen and wrote a note to Jared, in case he showed up while Evan was gone looking for him. He put it behind one of the windshield wipers and went on his mission to find his family friend/fake-boyfriend.

            He started with the classrooms where various clubs took place, he searched the hallways, the bathrooms, the cafeteria and found nothing. With each empty room, with each unsusscessful attempt, his heart was racing faster and faster, his anxiety building up yet again.

            The last place he would look for Jared was the track, since, you know, this was Jared. The same Jared that ate Doritos for breakfast, washed them down with a can of Coke and was so out of shape he’d get out of breath doing as simple an activity as going up the stairs.

            And yet, to Evan’s surprise, there he was, sitting on the tribune, watching the athletes running aruond.

            Evan hesitated a bit and took a few deep breaths before sitting down next to Jared, leaving enough space between them to fit another person.

            Jared kept his gaze on the track.

            „Are you dreaming of cheating on me with one of those hot d-dudes?“

            Jared let out a hysterical laugh. „Oh, so now you’re the funny one, huh?“

            „W-well, someone has to be, seeing as you’re clearly in a worse mental state than I am right now.”

            Jared scoffed. „I’m completely fine.“

            „Right...t-that’s why you didn’t meet me at my car after school and you’re sitting here instead of being at my place playing video games.“ Evan’s eyes were also glued to the track. He noticed one of the guys running was actually kind of attractive but figured this wasn’t the time to make a comment about that.

            “Give me a break, alright?! I didn’t want to be around you.“ Jared snapped.

            Hearing those words was like a stab in the heart for Evan. „O-oh...okay...“ he got up, „I-I’m sorry to have bothered you, then…“ he turned to leave.

            Jared sighed. „Ev, wait.“

            Evan’s heart skipped a beat at the nickname. He stopped but didn’t turn around. He didn’t want Jared to see the tears that were forming in his eyes.

            „Look...what I mean was, I didn’t want to be around you because I felt embarrassed. We all know I’m not some Shakespeare that’s great with words and all that shit.“ Jared admitted bitterly.   

            Evan let out a small laugh.

            “You’re laughing at me? Well that’s just fucking mean, Evan.“

            Evan turned around and sat next to Jared, closer this time.

            „N-no! I-It’s just.. some people actually say that Shakespeare is very overrated a-and not great with words at all, so...i-it was just kind of funny when you used him as an example.“ Evan shuffled his feet, embarrassed. „I-I’m sorry.“

            Jared looked at Evan in desbelief.

            „You’re such a huge nerd it actually hurts.“ There was something... ~~soft~~ unusual about the tone of his voice, but Evan decided to let it go.

            „S-So...are we okay?“ Evan asked cautiously.

            Jared turned his head and looked Evan in the eyes. „Yeah. We’re okay. Although there is no we. No homo, Evan.“

            „Jared, you’re gay.“

            „I know. Not for you, though.“

            Evan couldn’t help but notice how his heart sank at the last comment. He tried to pay no attention to it

            “And now, apparently, the entire school knows too.”

            “Y-yeah…h-how do you feel about that?”

            “Fine. My father already knows and already kicked me out, so I don’t have to worry about that…so yeah, I guess I’m kinda happy that it’s out there. Maybe some other gay dude will come out, inspired by my journey, and we’ll fall in love.“

            Evan started pulling at the seam of his polo shirt.

            “M-Maybe..”

            “I’m just sorry I dragged you into this whole mess. Don’t worry, we’ll tell everyone the truth tomorrow.“ Jared reassured him.

            Evan took a deep breath before speaking.

            “U-unless...unless we don’t.“ Evan said, his eyes glued to the floor.

            „What? Are you out of your mind, Evan? Are you actually suggesting we...fake date?“ Jared said with a confused look.

            “W-well…yes.” Evan mumbled.

            The duo went silent for a while. “I, uh…I just figured, since my mom already thinks we’re dating, and now the e-entire school thinks so, too, we should probably keep up the act..” Evan trailed off.

            „Won’t that make you super anxious, though? Lying all the time?“

            „W-well, it wouldn’t be that different…we already held hands twice, so I-I’m kinda used to that now..“ Evan started blushing, „And that’s all that’d be different. We already hang out all the time, and this way t-those guys that you wanted to impress will believe you for sure.“

            Jared stopped to think before speaking (which was something he didn’t do often). „Okay.“

            Evan’s heart started racing so fast he was almost certain it’d burst. „O-okay?“

            “I mean I wanted to suggest that, but I figured you being the anxious knot that you are, you would’ve never gone for it. But if you’re fine with it, so am I.” Jared said with a shaky voice.

            „I-I am.“

            „Well, then, _boyfriend_ , we should probably get home.“ Jared gave Evan a playful punch in the arm as he said the word boyfriend.

            Evan smiled, his cheeks so red he actually looked like a tomato. „Y-yeah...I guess we should.“

 

* * *

 

            The ride home was less awkward than Evan would expect. It was his turn to play music, so he sang showtunes at the top of his lungs while Jared face palmed next to him. Evan noticed him bopping his head to a few songs, though, which he thought was ~~adorable~~ funny.

            The rest of the evening was uneventful. They played video games, ordered a pizza (Evan gave up his pineapple this time as an act of „love“ to his new boyfriend) and they had a good time.  

            The boys were getting ready for bed when Evan’s phone lit up. It was a text from Alana.

**Alana Beck 10:30pm**

**Hey Evan! We gotta talk about that GSA at school tomorrow. I gathered a bunch of people that** **’d like to join, including Zoe Murphy** **! Isn** **’t she the best? Anyways, let’s meet at 3pm in the auditorium to discuss the details. And don’t forget to bring your boyfriend** **!** **Can’t wait** **!**

Evan felt his stomach turn as he read the text. He had to speak to a bunch of people tomorrow. Including Zoe Murphy. And pretend to be Jared’s boyfriend at the same time.

            „Hey acorn, I’m going to bed. You good?“

            Evan gave him the most-convincing smile he could muster. „Yeah. Good night.“

            Jared turned off the lights and got into bed. He put his headphones in and started watching a youtube video. This was the way Jared went to sleep every night, apparently, and Evan thought it was ~~sweet~~ unique.

            He thought he wouldn’t fall asleep, his anxiety acting up, thinking of what he’d have to endure tommorrow. But, to his surprise, as Jared fell asleep, quiet snores escaping his mouth, Evan felt at peace. Jared’s presence grounded him, made him feel safe, and with the thought of Jared’s hand in his own, Evan drifted into peaceful sleep, dreaming of the boy that was so close and yet so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated this fic in 2 months because no one cares about it uhh
> 
> But anyways here's an update on the off chance someone still reads this shit
> 
> Kudos and comments mean the world to me and are quite literally the only thing that makes me keep writing! So pls! Give me all tha validation!  
> You can also talk to me on tumblr: @simply-a-work-of-art  
> Thank you so much for reading!!


	7. GSA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GSA is a wonderful thing....ooor is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading!!

_“_ _E_ _v! Come on, stop!” Jared screamed out, laughing. He was trying to shake off Evan, who was laying on top of him, tickling him for something he said. Tickling was the only punishment Evan was capable of._

_After a long while, Evan was satisfied with the amount of punishment he had given Jared and stopped tickling him. He stood up from the ground and straightened his polo shirt, then proceeded to sit on his bed. Jared stayed on the ground for a bit, trying to catch his breath. Once he did, he got up and sat down next to Evan._

_“That was so cruel.” Jared frowned._

_“You deserved it. You cannot back off from the GSA now, not even jokingly. ” Evan grinned._

_“Watch me._ ” _Jared said with a smirk._

_Evan was about to start tickling Jared again, but Jared screamed out: “NO! OKAY I TAKE IT BACK! PLEASE!” so Evan decided to have mercy on him._

_Once they had calmed down, Jared curled up next to Evan and put his arm around Evan_ _’s stomach. He rested his head on Evan’s shoulder as Evan was trying to pick a movie on his laptop._

_“I swear to god, Hansen, if you pick a Disney movie again I_ ' _m_ _breaking up with you._ _” Jared informed._

_Evan’s smile faded instantly._ _“O-okay...” he moved the cursor away from Aladdin only to hover it over Jurassic park._

_Jared looked up at his boyfriend and let out a small laugh. He put his hand on Evan’s and moved the cursor back to Aladdin. He clicked on the movie and looked Evan in the eyes. “I was joking you moron. I love you too much to break up with you.” He said and gave Evan a small kiss on the nose._

_Evan_ _'s_ _eyes brightened up instantly as the movie started to play. Evan knew Jared agreed to watch Aladdin because he wanted to make out during most of it. Evan was okay with that._

_And sure enough, less than 10 minutes into the movie, Jared was already on top of Evan, his hands travelling around Evan’s body, their mouths in harmony._

_Jared’s hand traced the soft skin on Evan’s neck, then slowly moved on to his chest and stopped at his lower abdomen. His movements were slow, he wanted to savor every moment the best he could._

_Evan felt the bulge in his pants grow bigger. He_ _'d_ _only been dating Jared for a few weeks and wasn’t comfortable with doing anything yet, so he pushed his hands into Jared’s chest a little bit._ _“C-can we…can we take a break? Please?” he said with hopeful eyes._

 _Jared looked down to see the tent in Evan_ _’s pants_ _. He grinned. “Of course. Back to this very interesting movie.” He said as he got off Evan._

_“Hey! It is interesting!” Evan said, offended, as he got back into a sitting position so that Jared could curl up next to him._

_They watched for a while, Evan actually interested in the story and Jared mostly admiring his boyfriend_ _’s beauty, turning his head every few minutes to give Evan a kiss._

_“Oh and, the GSA tomorrow was actually pushed an hour early.. We_ _'re_ _supposed to be there at 2 and prepare a topic we want to talk about."_

_Jared groaned. “Oh, come on! We were supposed to go see Love, Simon tomorrow!”_

_Evan grinned. “I thought you didn’t care about that movie and only agreed to see it because I wanted to.”_

_Jared’s expression_ _changed instantly. “I-I mean, thank god we don_ _’t have to go see it tomorrow_ _! Phew!” he turned his head back to the screen._

_Evan was silent for a while. “Hey, Jared?”_

_Jared looked up. “_ _’Sup?_ _“_

_“I love you.”_

_Jare_ _d's_ _face brightened up with the biggest smile._ _“I love you, too.”_

            “Hey, Evan?”

            “ _Yeah?” Evan said with a pleased smile on his face._

            “Evan!”

            _“What?”_

            “Evan!” Evan suddenly woke up to Jared standing over him, staring. He had his blanket rolled up into a burrito, his legs around it as if he was cuddling with it.

            As soon as he noticed the position he was in, he kicked the blanket away from him and panic washed over him. _What if I talked from my sleep? I do that sometimes, and if I said anything from that dream, oh my god what on earth even was that-_

Jared had an amused look on his face. “Looks like someone had some interesting dreams.” Jared said with a smirk on his face, inspecting the bulge in Evan’s pajama bottoms. „It’s late, get up, we need to get going soon.” and with that, he left the room.

            Evan looked down, horrified, and stayed in bed, breathing through both the dream and the talk he just had.

             _The dream meant nothing. I often get dreams that are triggered by something stressful happening in real life, so the GSA must have triggered the dream and the whole boyfriends thing was just a side effect because we pretend to be boyfriends at school. That is it._

He tried to get his mind off the dream as he got up from his bed and got ready for the day. He did all the usual morning tasks almost robot-like, his mind drifting to the place he didn’t want it to.

            He made his way to the kitchen where Jared was standing, much like he was on that one morning when he broke into his house and almost caused him to have a heart attack.

            And, unsurprisingly, Jared was eating some frosted flakes for breakfast. “You gonna grab anything?” Jared said, his mouth full. Evan would think it was disgusting on anybody else, but it kinda suited Jared. Evan couldn’t imagine Jared having good manners.

            „I-I’m not hungry…thank you…” Evan couldn’t even look Jared in the eyes.

            „Suit yourself.“ Jared said and turned his attention back to his breakfast, crunching loudly.

            Once he was done eating, the boys made their way outside to Evan’s car and started their road to school.

            After several minutes of silence (which felt uncomfortable to Evan, but probably not to Jared), Evan realized he had yet to tell Jared about the GSA. The real one, not the dream one. He drove for several more minutes before gaining enough courage to speak up.

            “S-so…Alana texted me last night about the GSA thing…and she wants to meet us in the auditorium at 3 today…B-but i-it’s okay if you don’t want to do it, I’ll-“

            “No, that’s fine. We’ll go. But brace yourself, we’ll probably have to hold hands again since everyone there thinks we’re a couple.” Jared said without a care, watching the world passing by. Evan couldn’t see his face.

            Evan was thankful he had to keep his eyes on the road, because that meant Jared could see less of his face, which was now a bright shade of red. The thought of holding hands with Jared, especially after the dream he’d just had was… ~~exciting~~ terrifying.

            The rest of the drive was silent. Soon, they pulled into the school’s parking lot and got out of the car. They stood there awkwardly for a few seconds.

            “So…I guess I’ll see you at 3. Ciao!” and with that, Jared was gone.

            Evan was grateful Jared didn’t want to talk more and went inside to go to his first class.

* * *

            He spent the day trying to distract himself from what he’d have to endure in the afternoon. With each hour passing, his anxiety got bigger and bigger. Once lunch rolled around, he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Jared and having to pretend to be his boyfriend, so he went into his car to eat his lunch in peace. He was lucky there weren’t many people in the parking lot during lunch, so he wasn’t interrupted and managed to calm down a bit.

            His last two classes of the day seemed to pass by quicker than they ever did. Evan had physics last, which was one of his least favorite classes, so it always seemed to be endless. Not today. It felt like the class was over in seconds.

            He was breathing heavily at this point, trying really hard to fight off the panic attack that was creeping up on him. He made his way to his locker and buried his face in it, trying to hide the symptoms of his state from the world.

            “Evan? You okay?” he heard a familiar voice behind him.

            It was Alana, looking at him with her big brown eyes which were filled with worry.

            “I’m fine!” Evan squealed. “I-I’m just a little n-nervous about the GSA…t-talking to people…and all…” Evan rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at the ground, embarrassed.

            Alana put her hand on his shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, you’ll do great. Plus, Jared will be there to help you through it!”

            _Ah, yes. Jared will be there. How swell._

            “Y-yeah…I g-guess we should get going.” He said, his voice small.

            They made their way to the auditorium. Evan kept looking at the different boards and lockers on the way, trying to find something to ground himself, to give him a sense of security, but was unsuccessful. The world around him was a blur. Everything seemed to slow down.

            “Hey losers! Wait up!” he heard a voice behind them. Jared.

            Before he could turn around, he felt a hand slip into his own, his fingers interlocking with Jared’s.

            “H-hi…” Evan blushed.

            “Aw, you guys are so cute! Come on, the others are already waiting for us.” Alana said as she ran towards the entrance.

            As the duo entered the auditorium, Evan stiffened up. He saw Alana and Zoe talking to each other, which was fine, but then there was a bunch of people he didn’t know. The thought of introducing himself made him nauseous.

            They reached the front row and sat down, Alana and Zoe on the stage, waiting for the room to quiet down so that they could talk.

            “Welcome, everyone! I’m so glad you all have decided to join our alliance. Whatever your sexuality, identity or race is, you’re welcome here!“ Alana said, her eyes sparkly.

            “So, I was thinking for this first meeting, we could all introduce ourselves and then discuss some goals we want to achieve. We’d meet again next week and go over what we’ve done for the goal we’ve set for ourselves. Is that okay with everyone?“

            The people in the group nodded their heads.

            „Yay! Okay, let’s start!“

           They each started to introduce themselves, and with every person talking, Evan’s anxiety build up more and more. He was still holding Jared’s hand, but that wasn’t helping. The only thing he could think of was his inability to speak in front of people, and how he’d surely embarrass himself in front of all these strangers that thought highly of him for being out.

           When it was almost his turn, he felt a squeeze in his hand. Jared was holding him tighter now, his eyes full of support. It wasn’t enough to calm Evan down completely, but when he spoke, his voice was steadier than he thought it’d be.

           „Hello. My name is Evan, I’m 18 and I uh…I don’t have a label, yet?” he gulped and looked down, “Alana convinced me to join this alliance as a member of the only openly gay couple at the school,” he looked over at Jared and gave him a warm smile, “s-speaking of…” he gestured in Jared’s direction.

            Jared smiled. „Jared Kleinman. Super gay. So gay, in fact, my mother found me in her room once wearing heels and a dress,“ he looked around the room, „I was like 16. I looked fabulous,“ he snapped his fingers in the air. „And I’ve got plenty of similar stories where that came from. Anyways, I’m here because of my wonderful boyfriend, Evan,” Jared turned his head and smiled, and Evan could swear he was blushing, “and because I hope we can help any of our fellow queers to come out of their cage. I mean, closet. Sorry, My Chemical Romance lyrics are like, imprinted in my brain.”

           The room laughed, the students exchanging warm looks. Evan looked over at Jared, who was clearly feeling so confident and comfortable and he felt warmth spread over him. He quickly shook it away and turned his attention to Alana.

           Before Alana could speak up, however, a girl wearing combat boots, chewing gum visibly managed to speak up. “How did your mom feel about that? Are you out to her? What about your dad?”

           Evan felt Jared freeze in his seat. He looked over at him and saw Jared’s bitter expression.

           “I uh, I’m out, yeah.” He said dryly.

           The girl, whose name Evan now remembered was Heather, one of the straight people of the alliance, raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “Wow. That’s bold. I don’t know how I’d react if my kid told me they’re gay. I mean, you have these visions for what you want your kid to be, and to have that all erased, wow…I can’t imagine how hard it must be for them.”

             A few people in the room gasped. “Heather!” Zoe shushed her disapprovingly.

            “I’m sorry. I’m here because I want to be more approving of you, uh, gay people, so I, yeah…sorry.” She said in a high-pitched voice, an insincere smile spreading across her face, showing the gum she was chewing.

            Evan expected Jared to have some sort of a clever comeback, something that would put Heather in her place, but instead, he was just looking at her, hatred sparkling in his eyes. And Evan could see something else there - pain.

            Jared was squeezing Evan’s hand so hard it hurt a little bit, but Evan decided to stay quiet about it. He figured it was either that, or Jared jumping Heather then and there and stabbing her with the pencil she so cleverly wore behind her ear.

            Alana cleared her throat. „Alright! Now, why don’t we each go again and say what we expect from this establishment?” Alana proposed. “I’ll start. I expect my fellow queer classmates to feel better about their sexuality and the straight classmates to learn a little about LGBTQ+ and give us a different perspective on things. I also expect each of you to keep the information that is said in this room for yourself. This is a safe space.”  

            The rest of the group each stated their reason for being there. It was basically all the same, people either wanting to come to terms with their sexuality, meet some people that are like them or give advice.

            Evan couldn’t figure out what to say. Why _was_ he there? The true answer was because his family-friend and him were pretending to be boyfriends so that his family-friend could have some gay friends, but he couldn’t exactly say that out loud.

            His turn was coming up and he couldn’t figure out what to say. He started to feel himself sweat, his hands shaking.

            „Evan? What do you expect from this alliance?“ Zoe asked him with a smile, indicating it was his turn to speak.

            Evan’s eyes travelled through all the people in the room, all curiously looking at him, awaiting an answer. All of them hopeful, looking up to him as an openly queer person, and he didn’t even know if that’s who he was. All the expectations, all the attention…it was too much to take. 

            He looked over at Jared, who was squeezing his hand again, but that did nothing this time. It only made his fear more real.

            „I-I-I...“ he chocked up, unable to continue.

            Jared looked up. „We just want to show our love to the rest of the school. We hope it inspires more people to come out and be themselves unapollogetically, no matter what anyone may think of them,“ he finished for him, giving an uncertain smile to the audience.

_I_ _'m_ _so pathetic I can’t even finish a damn sentence-_

            Another girl, whose name Evan didn’t remember, decided to speak up this time. “I wish I could be like you guys. I wish I could just kiss my girlfriend in public and not give a crap.” She said with a sad smile.

            “Well, we’ve yet to see them kiss.” Heather remarked.

            Evan froze. She wasn’t actually suggesting they…kiss? In front of everyone?

            “What’s your point, Heather?” Alana asked, anger audible in her voice.

            “Well, I just…I think, maybe if I saw them kiss, it would help me get over my uh…what do you folks call it? Gayphobia? Faster.” She gave the boys another mocking smile.

            Evan saw Jared look at him with his peripheral vision, and he didn’t know if it was the fact that he wasn’t looking at him directly, but it almost looked like Jared was…smiling?

            He hadn’t actually kissed anyone in his lifetime, and the thought of his first kiss being in front of strangers, and with Jared of all people…the same Jared that hated him and only put up with him because he had to... Evan was horriffied. 

            “Come on, leave them be. Just because they’re out doesn’t mean they want to make out in front of people, that’s a weird request for a straight couple and a gay couple alike. This alliance is not all about you.“ The girl that spoke earlier voiced her opinion again, her voice harsh this time.

            Jared turned his head and looked at the ground, his smile fading, his hand barely touching Evan’s anymore.

            Zoe cleared her throat. „Well, why don’t we set some assignments for each other and unless anyone has any more questions, this first meeting will be over.“

            Alana handed out some papers she’d prepared beforehand, giving everyone an assignment. She gave Jared and Evan only one paper, so Evan assumed their task was to be done together. He felt too weak to check what it was, though.

           Once the meeting was dismissed and the boys were out of sight, Jared let go of Evan’s hand immediately. Evan looked down at their separated hands and felt his heart sink, but didn’t say a thing.

            They drove home in an uncomfortable silence. Evan kept looking from the road to Jared and back, trying to figure out what was going on. Jared seemed...angry? Disgusted? Sad? Evan couldn’t put his finger on it, he only knew Jared wasn’t happy.

            _Poor Jared. That Heather girl probably really hurt his feelings, and then he almost had to kiss me…he probably can’t decide which one’s worse. Today was a really bad day for him._

            Evan pulled into the driveway and Jared got out of the car immediately, slamming the car door behind him roughly.

            He entered the house, leaving the front door open for Evan to enter.

            Evan stood by his car for a while, not knowing what to do. He knew he’d had to go inside eventually, but every second outside not having to deal with…whatever Jared’s problem was seemed precious.

            Once he started getting cold and noticed some weird looks from the neighbors passing by, he took a deep breath and slowly entered the house.

            It was quiet. Weirdly quiet. Evan felt a shiver run down his spine.

            He decided to hang out in the living room for a while, thankful he left his textbooks there the day before. At least he had a way to distract himself from the situation.

            Despite the textbooks and the piles of homework he had to do, Evan had trouble focusing. He kept repeating the events of the day in his head, trying to figure out what pissed Jared off so much. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t figure it out.

            9pm rolled around and Evan was starting to get tired.

            _I don’t want to go up and face Jared…he probably doesn’t want to see me, either. I’ll just sleep on the couch._

            And so, that’s what he did. He brushed his teeth, cleaned up the room and slipped into some old PJs that were stashed away in the bathroom. They were too small, his legs too long for the childish shorts, the top so tight his ribs were showing, but it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t see anyone else tonight, so it was okay to look a little funny.

            Despite the sadness he felt weighing on his chest, he drifted into sleep quite fast, exhausted from the day’s events.

 

* * *

 

            _What in the-_ and before he could finish the thought, he found himself on the ground, falling from the couch. No, not falling. He was pushed.

            He looked up from the ground to see Jared standing behind the couch, frowning.

            “What the fuck are you doing on the couch?”

            Evan stood up, his head banging, furious. “W-well, I’m not on the couch anymore, now a-am I?! You pushed me!”

            “Well of course I pushed you, you were sleeping on the fucking couch. Why didn’t you go to sleep in your own bed?”

            _Because I didn’t want to face you_ “B-Because…I fell asleep here! A-accidentally.”

            Jared frowned even more. “Right. That’s why you’ve changed into these weird small pajamas and had a blanket over yourself. Totally unplanned. Very casual. Much coincidence,” Jared crossed his hands on his chest.

            Evan’s eyes widened. “I-I didn’t plan it, I-I just got cold and- ugh, whatever Jared! T-that doesn’t excuse you pushing me! What is wrong with you?!”

            Jared scoffed looked down. “A fuckton, apparently. Enjoy your night on the couch and I hope you have more of those wet dreams you had last night. You seemed to enjoy those.”Jared turned around and started walking up the stairs.

“A fuckton? What does that mean?” Evan screamed out, but Jared kept walking.

“Jared! What does that mean?!” Evan yelled as Jared slammed the door to Evan’s room.

            Evan sighed heavily and sat down on the couch, putting his head into his hands, bending over slightly. Something was clearly bothering Jared and Evan didn’t know how to make his family-friend feel better.

            He looked at his phone. 2:30 in the morning. Evan was tempted to just go back to sleep, the need to push the issue and deal with it later stronger than ever. But, he knew he probably wouldn’t fall asleep with Jared so upset. He wanted to comfort his family-friend, and so he got up from the bed slowly and made his way up the stairs.

            He stopped in front of the door, staring at the door handle that was barely visible in the dark. He was scared for the person behind the door, scared of what Jared would be doing, scared of confrontation and saying the wrong thing…but there he was. He couldn’t turn around now.

            He took a deep breath and opened the door, unprepared for what was behind it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, I'm SO SORRY it took me almost a month to update again...I've either been so busy I didn't even have time to sleep or too overwhelmed and exhausted to write..but I finally managed to pull through! I mean it's a shit chapter, but at least it's here. 
> 
> Anyways I hope anyone still reads this lol, wouldn't be surprised if not 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments mean THE. WORLD. to me. Also kudos. But comments are the real mvp O:)
> 
> You can talk to me on my tumblr: @simply-a-work-of-art. I love you all!! Have a good day.  
> P.S- Heather's name *is* a reference to the musical, just in case you were wondering.


	8. The darkness is convenient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan comforts Jared and Jared has [gay] panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this

             Jared was laying in his bed, his face buried in the pillows, the covers pulled so high Evan could barely see him. He didn’t say a word when Evan entered, so Evan figured it was okay for him to stay and slowly made his way to the edge of the bed. He sat down and was about to put his hand on the blanket somewhere to comfort Jared but decided against it and let his hand fall back down to his side.

            “Jared…what’s going on?” Evan said in a soft, quiet voice.

            There was no response.

            “C-Come on...you have to talk to me…” he tried again.

            It took Jared a while before he had any sort of a reaction. He pulled the covers down at last as the light from the street illuminated his red face and his puffy eyes that seemed smaller than usual because his glasses weren’t on. He didn’t look at Evan, his eyes empty and fixated on the wall.

            “Oh, Jare...” Evan said softly as he schooched closer to Jared. Jared turned his head at that and looked at Evan. Evan tried to hide his pleased smile. He knew using the nickname he hadn’t used in years would get Jared to talk to him.

            „You shouldn’t see me like this. This is not the Jared I show the world,” he said as his head turned to face the wall again.

            Evan let out a small laugh, “I-I don’t think the Jared I know is the Jared the world sees in general…”

            Jared scoffed, “Yeah. I guess you’re right,” he said as he sat up, his back leaning on the head of the bed, wiping the tears and snot away from his face.

            „I-I mean...not that you’re not an ass, sometimes…” Evan frowned, “but I think we uh…I just….our friendship is different? now...” he said hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck.

            “Yeah. You should consider yourself lucky, though, most people still experience the asshole that I am in full capacity.”

            Evan started playing with the rim of his shirt, “I…I do consider myself, uh, lucky,” he said as his cheeks started turning red, thankful for the darkness in the room.

            He cleared his throat, “So…is it Heather?  From the GSA? The reason for your m-mood, I mean.”

            Jared sighed, “Yeah. No. I don’t know. It’s just…she’s right you know. My father was hugely disappointed in who I am, and if my mom was here, she probably would be too. I mean, I’m used to being a huge disappointment, but hearing it like that, it just…yeah.”

            “Y-You’re not a disappointment, Jared. She didn’t know what she was talking about. And your father is a…douche.”

            Jared’s head bolted up as he eyed Evan with an amused look on his face. “Douche? For real? That’s the best you could come up with? Gee, Evan, what a horrible name you called him, I bet he’d cry if he heard you. Truly, the worst insult anyone could say,” he said with a grin.

            “I-You-Ugh! Screw you, Jared!“ Evan said as he

            “Yeah, screw me.” Jared muttered under his breath, too quiet to hear. Almost.

            _Did he just say screw me?!_

 _“_ wHAT?” Evan turned his head in record speed, his eyes wide, his cheeks red.

            “…is what I would say if I was trying to mock you! Like the old Jared! Got you!” Jared said as he quickly stood up from the bed and made his way out of the room. “I’m gonna go wash this stupid redness off my face.”

            _Oh. He was joking. This whole fake boyfriends thing is making it hard for me to see_ _what_ _’s real and what isn’t_ _._

Jared was back as quickly as he’d left. “Well…thanks for uh, you know…listening and all that shit. Now, if you would move your ass so I can sleep, that’d be great.”

            “Oh! Right! Sorry!” Evan said as he lifted his legs from the bed next to his.

            He quickly went to get his things from the living room, assuming it was okay to sleep in the same room as Jared now and went back up. By the time he had returned, Jared was already asleep, huffing silently, his mouth opened.

            _How does he look so beautiful? I could stay here all night and look at him_

Evan quickly realized how creepy that would be, pushed the thoughts away and got into bed. He didn’t realize how tired he actually was before he got into bed and drifted into sleep within seconds.

           

* * *

 

            The morning was uneventful. Both of the boys tired from their lack of sleep, they didn’t say much during breakfast. Heidi was home that morning, asking about their days and making sure they were okay. She left them some money for dinner before going into her bedroom to get some sleep.

            The ride to school wasn’t very interesting, either. Jared played Evan a new K-pop band he had found (and additionally made sure to tell Evan if he told anyone about his obsession with K-pop, he’d chop down the trees around Evan’s house), they both made jokes and complained about the classes they were about to attend. They said their goodbyes at school, agreeing to meet after class so that Jared didn’t have to walk home.

            The school day was also so calm that Evan started to think he’d finally get some peace and quiet. No one bothered him, no one tried to talk to him, no teacher called on him in class and he was on cloud 9. After the last couple of days, he deserved a regular day without any drama and was grateful it was finally here.

            He made his way to the front of the school and pulled out a textbook to “entertain” himself while he was waiting for Jared. It was a biology textbook from the biology class he had earlier that day, and he got so into it he ignored the world around him.

            “A textbook? You’re such a fucking nerd,”  Jared said as he approached with a grin on his face.

            Evan looked up and rolled his eyes in response.

            “Ae you ready to go? We can go grab dinner on the way-“

            Suddenly, a tall girl in a short flowy dress approached the boys.

            “Hey…”

            Evan saw Jared freeze as soon as she approached and, as uncharacteristic as it was, Evan decided to take a step forward to stand in front of Jared protectively. It was usually the other way around, but this girl seemed to have a huge impact on Jared and Evan wasn’t going to let her make him feel bad again.

            “W-What do you want, Heather?”

            “I was actually hoping to talk to Jared,” she tilted her head so she could see the shorter boy.

            Evan took a small step back and looked at Jared worryingly. Jared looked him in the eyes and Evan tried to give him an assuring look. He didn’t know if he was successful.

            “Anything you want to say you can say in front of him,” Jared said and took Evan’s hand into his own, their fingers interlocking. Holding hands with Jared felt like second nature to Evan now, since they pretty much did it every day, but he still noticed the electricity that ran through him when their skin touched.

            Heather eyed them both before speaking. “Fine. Look, I know what I said yesterday was shitty, and I just wanted to apologize. Zoe talked to me after the meeting and made me see how insensitive what I said was, so yeah, I’m sorry and all that. I’m in the meeting because I want to understand you guys better, so I hope you can understand I’m still learning.”

 _This_ _doesn’t seem very genuine_

            When they said nothing, Heather continued, “Look, maybe I can make it up to you. I’m having a party tomorrow and a lot of our school will be there. You’re welcome to come if you want to.”

           “We’re not really-“

           “We’ll be there,” Jared interrupted Evan.

_We most definitely will not._

            Evan turned his head to face Jared, mortified, but didn’t say a thing.

            Heather gave the boys a fake smile, „Great! I’ll tell Zoe to text you the adress. See you there,“ and with that, she was gone.

           “What do you mean we will be there?!” Evan asked, furious. Well, he was more anxious than furious, but he wanted to hide that the best he could.

           “Relax, Evan. This is the first time we’ve been invited to a party! A real, high school party! And we’re seniors for fuck’s sake! This is finally an opportunity to make some friends!“

             „B-but...“

             "No buts, Evan. We’re going.” Jared took a few steps down the stairs and held his hand out for Evan. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine, I’ll be with you the whole time. And if you start freaking out, we can leave. Deal?“ he said with a smile.

            „Ugh. Fine! But you’re the worst and I hate you.“ Evan said, taking Jared’s hand and walking towards the car.

            “Love you too, bro,” Jared grinned.

           

* * *

 

            They spent the rest of the day on their own, Evan studying biology and Jared playing computer games on his laptop. They ordered pizza for dinner and bedtime came sooner than they expected.

            They were both laying on their beds, minding their own business when Evan’s phone suddenly vibrated to indicate he had a new message.

            **Zoe: Hi Evan! The party tomorrow is at 45 West street, hope to see you there!**

He gulped before speaking, „Zoe just texted me the adress for tomorrow’s party.“

            Jared nodded in response.

            „Do I have to...drink anything?“ Evan asked hesitantly.

            „No. You’re welcome to be the sober freak of the party. On top of being gay of course.“ Jared snickered, his eyes glued to the screen of his phone.

            „Jared that isn’t funny! And I’m not gay!” Evan said, offended.

            „Right. You’re as straight as they come.“ Jared said, and Evan somehow knew Jared rolled his eyes even though he couldn’t see him.

            „I-I...I mean...I’m not…Whatever,“ Evan stopped himself quickly.

            This made Jared look up and shut his laptop.  

            „What was that?“ he asked, suddenly interested.

            „I-I just...I don’t know if I’m…straight? I-I mean...the uh, the things I said in the GSA...about me uh, questioning my....attraction? That wasn’t a lie exactly...“ Evan said, yet again grateful for the darkness of the night.

            He felt his body start to shake as Jared failed to respond for what felt like hours. Once he finally spoke, he had a weird tone to his voice, one Evan hadn’t heard before.

            „Oh. Alright. Cool.“

„Cool beans.“ Evan facepalmed in the dark, _Cool beans? What are you, 12?_

            A moment of silence passed before Jared spoke again. „And to actually answer your question, of course you don’t have to drink. But I know I will and dealing with drunk Jared will definitely be more fun if you’re drunk too.”

            „But how will we get there if we both drink? I can’t drive us there if that’s the case.“

            „We can just call a taxi, or an uber. It’s not that difficult.“

            „Right...calling...sure...“

            „Relax, Evan, I’ll be the one to call.“

            „Something’s telling me you’ll be too drunk to make coherent sentences.“

            Jared laughed, „Maybe. Just pull me aside so that I sober up and then I’ll call. You won’t have to, I promise.“

            „W-well..okay...I’m gonna go to sleep now. Good night.“ Evan said as he rolled over to his side, his back to Jared.

            „Night.“

 

* * *

 

            The next day flew by even quicker than the previous one. Evan spent it getting mroe anxious by the second, knowing what he’d have to endure in the evening. Every time he had a stressful thing to do during the day, he couldn’t think of anything else until said thing happened, no matter how hard he tried to distract himself.  He saw Jared at lunch and seeing how excited Jared was only made Evan more anxious.

 Evan just wanted to make sure Jared enjoyed himself, he deserved it after the week he’d had, but he also wanted to make sure they would both get home safe.

            Evan wasn’t much of a drinker. He hated the taste of alcohol, so he didn’t want to drink it, and he hated the effect it had on him. He had no filter when he was drunk and was a cuddly mess. He’d only been drunk a few times before in his life, and never at a party like this. It was always at a wedding or at a family celebration, so every time he’d get cuddly and sleepy, his mom would put him to bed. There would be no bed to be put into this time, however, and that made Evan anxious. Also, there was nothing he could cuddle with. _Well, there is Jared…_ But no. He pushed that thought away as quickly as he could.

            He also hated the crowds, and the noise and now there was the added pressure of acting like Jared’s boyfriend the entire time. So yeah, to sum up, there was nothing positive about him going to the party, and he was dreading it.

            They agreed to go around 7pm, so when 6pm rolled around, the boys started to prepare themselves. Evan went to the bathroom downstairs to take a quick shower. He stood in the hot water for a while, blankly staring at the wall opposite him, trying to calm down. He couldn’t wait till tonight was over.

            He got out of the shower and put on his nicest polo shirt, blue-striped of course and decided to go for his usual khakis. He thought about wearing these black skinny jeans his mom found at a thrift store, but decided against it. He’d never worn them before, not having the opportunity or the courage to do so, and even though he had the former now, the latter was nowhere to be found. He already felt super uncomfortable going and wearing something new and adventurous wouldn’t help that feeling at all.

            He tried to style his hair into a wave, but even after 10 minutes of intense brushing and spraying with hairspray, his hair pretty much looked the same. The only difference was, it was now sticky and kind of sparkly from all the hairspray.

            He opened a cabinet under the sink and found some old cologne he hadn’t used in ages. He saw no point in spraying that on himself on a regular school day, but this _was_ a special occasion. This was something that could make him feel special without being too visible to everybody.

            Suddenly he heard a knock on the door, „Hello? Anybody in there?“

            „I’m in here mom, you can come in.“

            Heidi opened the door and gasped, „Well look at you, handsome!“ and before she could say anthing else, she started coughing from all the hairpsray and cologne in the air.

            „Oh wow, you sprayed yourself a lot with this stuff huh?“ she said once her breathing was back to normal as she approached the sink and picked up the cologne from it.

            „Y-Yeah, I guess...“ Evan said awkwardly.

            „Are you and Jared going on a date, huh? Is that why?“ Heidi asked enthusiastically.

            „No, we’re actually going to a…party? We were invited by this uh….friend that we made in GSA.“

            „Oooh, really? That is so great! My son going to a party?“ she ruffled his hair, „I’m so proud of you honey.“

            „Y-Yeah....thanks...“ Evan said and shuffled his feet.

            „Well, you look and smell amazing. Jared is one lucky guy!” Heidi said with a huge smile.

            Evan’s heart started beating slightly faster at that. „R-right...“

            „Well, I’m gonna leave you to it. I have a night shift coming up so I won’t be home when you two get back, so no funny business, huh? And don’t take the car, I’ll leave you some extra money on the counter for a taxi,” she said and kissed Evan on the forehead.

            „T-Thanks, mom. Don’t worry.“

            Heidi stopped in the door to look at Evan before leaving with a smile on her face. Evan looked at his reflection in the mirror, not being completely content with what he was seeing. He knew he had no time left to prepare, however, and he probably couldn’t make himself look any better anyway, and so he made his way to the living room, picked up the money from the counter on the way and then sat down on the sofa, waiting for Jared.

            Jared was taking longer than he’d expected, however, and he found himself getting more and more anxious since he had nothing to distract himself. He started bouncing his leg up and down and tried to focus on his breathing in an attempt to slow it down. He felt his palms getting sweaty and little drops of sweat dripping down his forehead, yet he was somehow cold at the same time.

            „Ready to go, boyfriend?“ he heard from behind.

            He stood up and turned around to face Jared, who had decided to pull out all the stops. He was wearing some black skinny jeans, something Evan had never seen him wear before (how funny would it be if he’d decided to wear his earlier, they would match), his usually messy hair combed in a way that was somehow still messy, but on purpose. He was still wearing his usual shirt over the tshirt he was wearing, but he somehow looked so...different. Evan hated how much he liked what he was seeing.

            Evan felt himself blush, mortified, knowing he had just been there staring at Jared without saying a word for the past 20 seconds. 20 seconds may not seem like a long time, but it is, especially when you’ve been asked a question.

            Evan finally managed to stop staring and look at the ground instead, busying himself with the rim of his polo shirt yet again. „i aM!“ he squealed.

            Jared laughed mockinly. „Okay. Let’s go then. I called the cab 10 minutes ago so they should be here any minute.“

            „R-right!“ Evan said and made his way outside.

            They stood outside in silence for a while, quietly waiting for the cab to arrive.

            „You nervous?“ Jared asked silently.

            „Me? Nervous? Not at all!“ Evan scoffed.

            „Evan Hansen using sarcasm? Wow, you must be scared shitless,“ Jared snickered.  

            „Stop it!“ Evan frowned.

            „Hey,“ Jared put one of his hands on Evan’s shoulder and looked him deep into the eyes, “it will be alright. Just say the word and we’re out of there.“

            As Jared’s words faded into the night and Evan started to get lost in his eyes, the cab driver pulled over next to them.

            They got in silently and didn’t say a word for the entire ride there.

            _It_ _’ll be okay, Jared will be with me the whole time. Not that that helps a whole lot, because even though I know him so well and am usually very comfortable around him, these past few days something has changed and I don_ _’t know what it is but being around him makes my heart race now. At least he won’t leave me with complete strangers, I guess. Oh god, I hope I don’t say something stupid when I’m drunk… it is settled, I cannot have more than one drink._

 _So, survival guide for tonight_ _: Stay close to Jared, but not too close, don_ _’t have more than one drink, leave as soon as possible._

_Foolproof._

Evan seemed to forget the last time he thought something was “foolproof”. He forgot the word “foolproof” is usually a lie. And he had no idea this evening would only prove that to be true.

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here have a shitty chapter before I disappear for a month yet again:)) 
> 
> Kudos are great! Comments mean THE WORLD to me and are the only thing that keeps me writing! Give me all tha validation 
> 
> Talk to me on my tumblr: @simply-a-work-of-art 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!


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